#and I think it is coherent in the context of his frustrations with his students

[fragmentedblade]

Maybe they could have given Yingxing the craftmaster clothes in the Ichor of Two Dragons short

[panharmonium]

@dreamersscape​ please forgive me for tagging you in a post to respond to your comments; tumblr’s reply feature is hard to have an extended/coherent conversation on, and I’m so excited to talk to a kindred Naruto spirit that I knew I was gonna write too much for it all to fit in that space XD

re: hinata - Oh my gosh, YES, my sister and I were so frustrated by how they just completely never addressed that moment again.  I wasn't surprised, because it's been clear from the beginning that this show doesn't really care much about women, so the female characters' storylines getting dropped or never explored in the first place is pretty much what I've always expected, but it's still infuriating.  

Honestly, the only good thing about this show's general disinterest in women is that it means that I don't place any blame on in-story Naruto for never addressing what Hinata did for him, because I know the fact that we don't see him dealing with her confession isn't actually intended to communicate anything about his reaction/non-reaction/level of investment; it's literally just a function of the fact that the writer doesn't care about her story.  It's the same way I feel about how we see so much less one-on-one time between Kakashi and Sakura - her lack of screentime with him isn't something about which a person can credibly argue "Oh, this means Kakashi doesn't care about her enough and he's a bad teacher etc etc," because the imbalance isn’t a deliberate writing decision we're supposed to analyze for characterization.  It's a reflection of the fact that the entire show is super sexist. XD

re: danzo: It’s one thing to have your villain believe himself to the hero of his own story, and like, another to have Danzo basically tout having darkness in your heart being a great thing and encouraging it’s presence/cultivating it - lmao YES!  And honestly, this is why I actually find Danzo LESS infuriating than the Third Hokage.  Like, Danzo is Super Evil and every time he exploits another child I want to watch him die all over again, but at least he like....owns his horribleness?  Whereas Hiruzen is the biggest hypocrite on the planet - when I rewatched the Shonen Jump stuff a while back (my sister and I took a little break prior to Season 11 and rewatched some old stuff), I couldn't stand listening to Hiruzen go on and on about how the entire Leaf Village is his family and it's his role to protect all of them etc etc, because like - he literally covered up the genocide of Sasuke's entire family and let the perpetrator remain in power (and that was before I even knew about all these other crimes he allowed to go unpunished!!!)  Danzo may be the Worst, but at least he's not pretending to be anything other than what he is.  Hiruzen is still acting like he's everybody's sweet old grandpa, and that makes me even more angry than Danzo's straight-up horribleness.  (And I do agree with you, they definitely lean harder into the "Lord Third is amazing" stuff pre-Shippuden, I just still feel confused about what the show is ultimately trying to say about him because we haven't gotten an explicit enough condemnation of his choices yet, and I feel like it's way overdue XD )

re: minato - Hard agree that Minato is an enigma.  I don't feel like I fully understand him either - and not in a bad way, just in the sense that he's hard to read.  The toughest thing for me to parse was always how distant he seemed with his students, which was surprising to me at first, because he'd been built up as sort of this "ideal shinobi" figure for such a long time, but to me, an ideal shinobi teacher looks more like...well, Kakashi, to be honest.  And it took a while for me to reconcile with the fact that Minato and Kakashi really do just relate to their students very differently.  I think Minato has always been a soldier, and I think he sees children as soldiers, too - not in an evil way at all, just in the sense that this is how the shinobi world works, and how it has always worked.  It's not a "wrong" way to perceive shinobi kids, in the context of the story's universe.  And so when things happen to those kids, he absolutely cares, but it's also sort of just a grim fact of life for him.  It's like when Kushina tells him she doesn't want to make Naruto a jinchuriki, and she asks 'why do we have to do that to him, why does he have to suffer that way for the sake of the balance of power between nations,' and Minato's response is “Because our family is Shinobi.”  That was a really telling moment for me in terms of how he sees the world.  It's not something I'm interested in condemning him for, like you said; I don't think the story is ever asking us to do that, it’s just a philosophy that's very different from how Kakashi sees things and what he thinks children's experiences should be like.  

I guess what I ultimately think (from the material we’ve seen so far, at least) is that Minato seems to perceive the loss of his students as something that Kakashi is struggling with, not something he himself is agonizing over.  It’s a very sad thing that happened, of course, but it’s just part of the way their world works/a function of the times they live in.  It's not something Minato is tormenting himself about.  Whereas I think that if Kakashi ever lost a kid, it would have killed him.  And I don't think this fact is in any way supposed to paint Minato as a bad person.  He's not!  All it means is that there is a generational difference between the world Kakashi and Co. are trying to create and the world Minato always knew, and people like Minato are doing the best they can with the framework they have.  

I do like the guy a lot - and I wonder what he might have been like if he had lived to see a permanent peace established.

re: little Yamato - oh boy, those episodes nearly ended me.  I am already very, very, VERY weak for Kakashi and Yamato’s friendship, and seeing Kakashi rescue Yamato from that horrible place (literally and metaphorically) was too much for me to handle.  Kakashi’s silhouette replacing Danzo in Yamato’s memories of being rescued from Orochimaru’s lab - that slew me.  And the way Danzo tells Yamato “you have no past, no future, no name” juxtaposed with Kakashi introducing Yamato as Tenzo because he remembers from three years ago how Yamato once rebelled at being called Kinoe and yelled “MY NAME IS TENZO” - Kakashi just using that chosen name without hesitation, without question, without needing to be told...it all ties back into the recent thematic throughline the show is working with about Identity - the importance of the Tailed Beasts having names, Kabuto’s desperate and misguided search for “who and what he is,” Itachi reclaiming his true self by undoing the reanimation justu and declaring “I am Itachi Uchiha of the Leaf Village,” Obito claiming that his real name doesn’t matter anymore, that he’s Nobody...it’s fantastic how they’re pulling all this together.

re: Kakashi and little Naruto - oh man, the feelings.  I agree with you that Kakashi was in no place to be dealing with this, but certainly under different circumstances I think he would have loved to be a part of baby Naruto’s life.  I actually think the reasoning behind “let’s put Kakashi in a situation where he’s in close contact with someone bringing new life into the world” is sound - I think that would be a really good thing for him!  Just not in the sense of “you’re Kushina’s personal bodyguard, so if anything happens to her and the baby you can blame yourself for it.” XD  Like...Minato could have invited Kakashi in for dinner sometimes, instead of having him constantly stand guard under their window???  If it had been more “we care about you and we want you to be a part of our family”....ugh, that would have been amazing.  Kakashi is already SO good with Naruto (who is NOT by any means an easy kid to manage) - he just has such good instincts about how to talk to that kid and teach him in ways that work WITH Naruto’s particular brand of high motivation/low frustration tolerance, ping-pong emotional extremes, explosive energy levels, zero impulse control, and an inability to process more than one thing at a time.  Handling Naruto effectively would be a challenging project for any teacher, never mind taking care of Naruto and two other kids, but Kakashi is a natural at it.  It would have been awesome to see what Kakashi was like with Naruto when they were even younger...though the Feels might knocked me out.

[also, you mentioned Naruto and Obito - I cannot even tell you the Extremest Agonies I was in when the big reveal happened and I had to hear Naruto blankly go “who is he” - utterly clueless, without the faintest idea that he’s looking at the person who shaped his entire moral philosophy.  The amount of things that these kids don’t know...that fact that Naruto has been quoting this very person all his life and making all his major life decisions based on the lesson Kakashi relayed to them on Day One - Obito’s words - oh boy oh boy I was not capable of handling that even the littlest bit.]

[paulisweeabootrash]

Book Review: Princess Holy Aura

An earlier version of this post was published on Facebook on April 30, 2018.

PAUL IS WEEABOO TRASH; or, Paul Reviews... A Book?!

Q: A book?  So, like, you're reviewing based on the first volume of a manga series or something?

A: No, a novel.

Q: A novel.

A: Yeah.

Q: Why not manga?  You have a problem with it?  Are you being snobby about what kinds of books are better than others?

A: No, not at all.  Manga is just another kind of literature.  I just felt like doing this novel because it's relevant to--

Q: How?  Oh!  Is it a novel that an anime is based on?  One of those outrageously-long light novel serieses?

A: No.

Q: A visual novel?  That seems like something you'd review.

A: No, it's a Western print novel, and there's no anime based on it.  But I swear it's relevant.

Q: Relevant...?  Hm.

A: Because it's--

Q: Is it something mentioned in an anime or something else you'd review?  Oh!  Is it "Hyperion"?

A: No.

Q: ..."Portrait of Markov"?

A: That's not a real book.

Q: Well what then?

A: It's a novel about a magical girl.

Q: Oh.  Huh.  Weird.  Proceed. -----

EPISODE 8: Princess Holy Aura (2017)

Princess Holy Aura by Ryk E. Spoor is a magical girl story for people who are familiar with the genre and find its absurdities at least as endearing as they are frustrating.  It's a sort of affectionate parody.  We follow the normal progression of certain famous magical girl anime — the mascot (a magic rat named Silvertail) giving our heroine her powers, the escalating danger of fights with an otherworldly enemy (an assortment of creatures derived from Japanese and American pop culture and folklore), meeting and bonding with a whole team of magical girls (the Apocalypse Maidens) — with some added twists and an awareness of the rules of the genre that allows the main character to succeed because of his ability to deconstruct what's going on.

The deconstruction is justified--

Q: Wait, did you say "his"?

A: Yes.  I'm getting to that.  And the pronouns are going to get confusing.

See, the reason Holy Aura is genre-savvy is that her secret identity is Stephen Russ, an impoverished thirtysomething otaku and Air Force veteran.  Chosen for his intense willingness to help others and his experience with the stresses of adult life, his knowledge of magical girl shows also turns out to gives him the preparation he needs to understand and anticipate his enemies.  Why?  Because, as I was going to say before, the deconstruction is justified by magic-users' beliefs about magic affecting how magic works — so it's susceptible to the magic-related memes of whatever culture(s) the current crop of Apocalypse Maidens are from.  This means Holy Aura and the other Apocalypse Maidens apply knowledge of various media conventions to figure out, and sometimes anticipate, their enemies.

The other four magical girls, for magical plot contrivance reasons, are actual teenage girls, so Stephen must go undercover as "Holly Owen", Holy Aura's eyeroll-inducing normal human girl form, to find and recruit them.  Stephen/Holly deals with the strangeness of abandoning his old life and adjusting to his role — not just physically, but because of how his status as small, young and female now drastically change how others interact with him.  This leads to one of my favorite things about the story: how it describes Stephen/Holly's adjustment.  Each Apocalypse Maiden is partially herself, but also a cumulative reincarnation of every previous version of the Maiden they are.  So Holly not only has Stephen's memories, but those of every previous person to become Princess Holy Aura, all of whom up to this point have apparently been actual teenage girls.  As Stephen adjusts to the radically different physical form of Holly, and the differences in treatment that come with it, he also finds himself feeling more and more "right", as if Holly is the "original" and Stephen the assumed persona.  This is true not only of acting like a high school girl but also true of her physical body.  Stephen's crisis of identity as he realizes he is becoming Holly to the point that his own male body becomes just plain disorienting to walk around in feels genuine and understandable.

The gradual shift from Stephen to Holly eventually leads to (sigh) an inevitable romantic subplot between Holly and another student, because the genre demands it.  But I actually like how uncomfortable this is for both Stephen and the reader.  At this point in the story, Stephen is in a truly alien and frightening situation.  Since Holly is not just a persona adopted by Stephen but has traces of the personalities and feelings of all people who have ever been Princess Holy Aura in the past, Stephen is more and more a passenger in Holly's body rather than the "driver".  Stephen is becoming subsumed into Holly, a brand new person born out of the combined experiences of many.  So of course Holly has feelings Stephen feels alarmed by and does things Stephen doesn't fully control, and the reader should be creeped out by contemplating what that would be like.

As the book goes on, however, its flaws also become more apparent.  Expository conversations (both between heroes and between villains) are an expected part of this genre, and given that there have been many iterations of the Apocalypse Maidens vs. Lovecraftian Aliens battle in the past to learn from there is at least an in-universe justification for them, but there are so. many. of. them.  Silvertail's advice in particular gets increasingly tiresome, sometimes feeling as if we're reading "Silvertail's Walkthrough Guide to Magical Girl-ing" instead of a novel, and he has far too many conveniently-helpful magical abilities despite his alleged weakness.  The premise also leaves itself vulnerable to an obvious in-universe problem, which it tries to address, but not convincingly.  For reasons to do with how magic works, the Apocalypse Maidens reveal themselves to their parents, and this includes them learning that Holly was previously Stephen.  As you might expect, this does not go over well.  Stephen is genuinely a nice guy, not a "Nice Guy", and attempts to get that message across, but the most convincing argument he can muster is basically "your daughters are safe around me because they could kill me easily if I tried to molest them even if I was in full Holy Aura mode", and worse, parents accepting the situation is explained mainly as a mixture of that reassurance and magic itself keeping the Maidens together.  There is, apparently, nothing Stephen can possibly say or do to reassure them he's not a sexual predator.  Maybe that's the point of those scenes?  It's unclear.

That takes us most of the way (and slightly out of order) through a broad overview of the plot, and I don't want to give any spoilers for the resolution (go read it yourself!).  Suffice it to say that it continues along a pretty much "first season of Sailor Moon" trajectory.  And of course, the whole book ends in a way that leaves it open to a second season-- er, I mean, sequel, but still definitely ends this particular story arc.  Exactly as you'd expect.  Exactly as it must, according to the memes controlling magic.

-----

[Classic] W/A/S Scores: 4(+extra) / 1 / 4

Weeb: This is very much a book by a geek for fellow geeks.  Although I previously said the Magical Girl genre does not have a high a barrier to entry in terms of general cultural knowledge, and although Princess Holy Aura also incorporates tropes and characters from, and makes references to, a great deal of American media, knowledge of both Japanese and American horror and fantasy tropes is really helpful to "get" what anyone is talking about.  Not only is it taken for granted that characters recognize the source material for what's going on, they also sometimes make leaps of logic that I have trouble following, and I don't know if that's a problem with the story or with my own background knowledge so that if I'd seen the right show(s) I would've caught on immediately.  Plenty of things are explicitly spelled out, especially in early conversations between Stephen and Silvertail, but familiarity with several magical girl shows or manga would probably be helpful if only to know more specifically what Stephen is talking about.  I'd rate this a 4 on the Weeb scale, but also at least a 4 on a scale of American Geek Media — knowledge of H.P. Lovecraft and recent internet lore, and to a lesser extent general knowledge of RPGs and major works of sci-fi and fantasy, are probably essential to not staring blankly going "what is this?"  Like certain interminable live-action shows I could name, it mashes together monsters from a variety of source materials with mixed results.

Ass: As if directly responding to common complaints about men writing women in inappropriately-sexualized and deeply-implausible ways, descriptions are actually descriptive rather than gratuitous, and Stephen-as-Holly really only talks about his/her own body in the context of getting used to it, and does so in less-sexualized terms than I've heard women I'm friends with use in moderately-polite company.  In fact, although Holly is understandably portrayed as having sexual feelings, Spoor rather aggressively avoids sexualizing her to the audience, which is an important distinction.

Shit: The whole "trust me, I'm not a pervert" interactions with the parents, some way-too-convenient things about the way magic works, and OH DEAR GOD THE EXPOSITION just end up making me go "is that really the best way you could think of to resolve that?".  Also, the Cthulhu mythos seems shoehorned and incongruous.  It's not great, but it is entertaining and coherent, unlike some things I've reviewed so far, so I'll give it a middling score.  I still recommend it if you're in the target audience of "gigantic fucking geek", which, face it, you probably are if you read my reviews.

-----

Stray observations:

- The action scenes are described well enough that I can pretty much imagine how they'd go shot-by-shot in an anime.  Or maybe I've just seen enough anime to know what common shots Spoor is talking about.

- SLENDER MAN IS NYARLATHOTEP.  (This is barely a spoiler.  It takes about one page for the characters to make the connection.)

- If "Silvertail's Walkthrough Guide to Magical Girl-ing" were a real book, I would totally read it.  It would go on my shelf right next to Hate You Forever: How to Channel Your Rage Into Effective Supervillainy, which is also not that good but quite entertaining if you're the right flavor of geek (which, again, you probably are if you read my reviews).

[feynites]

How would you fix snapes story? Cause we all know thats a mess, if this has already been asked sorry. (Also you should have a side blog called watch me fix this mess, where you take books that have major problems and give your opinon on what could be done to make it better, thats more of my opinion then statement though).

Ahh, thank you! I’m so pleased you think that I can do a decent job of addressing some problems in stories! I definitely make plenty myself, so it’s born of personal experience I guess. I’ll consider the side blog, though my ability to organize those has not proven to be great, in all honesty.

But, to the question!

The thing about Snape’s story is that there are a number of issues, and a lot of them are subjective, and who has problems with what creative decision or aspect of his writing is going to change depending on who you ask. So it’s difficult to get a coherent ‘solution’, because for a lot of people, the ‘problem’ is not the same thing.

Like,  some people will point out that the revelation that he was working against Voldemort doesn’t really address the fact that he’s still a petty asshole who bullies children. Others will argue that this is called ‘being a complex character’ and there’s nothing wrong with it - and they’re right, but they’re also kind of ignoring that the narrative, through Harry, implies that Snape’s actions totally did change the context of his behaviour. And so the frustration people have is that they disagree with the way the story is framing him.

Also, his status as a hero is contentious because he was never, at any point, actually being selfless. From start to finish, everything Snape did was driven by personal interest. Even his desire for atonement and revenge never exended into any kind of ‘big picture’ perception of the world, or increased sense of value for things outside of his own feelings. A lot of people define heroism by a certain amount of selfessness, and by that definition, Snape soundly fails to meet it. Just because he was willing to die doesn’t mean he was acting altruistically.

And then there’s the fact that Snape, like the goblins, is basically an antisemitic archetype. He’s petty, greedy, grasping, hook-nosed, sallow-skinned, dark-haired and ‘ugly’, and these are all canonically confirmed character flaws. He’s also treacherous, even though his betrayal of Voldemort was a good kind of treacherous. Fiction, however, has a long-established history of letting the bad guys’ infighting be their undoing, without actually salvaging the characters involved (like, Starscream and Megatron are always at odds in Transformers, but they’re rarely portrayed as not still both being bad guys). 

So changing Harry Potter’s narrative to play Snape as just another villain - complicated villain, sure, but still not viewed as having really redeemed himself - wouldn’t address that he plays into a character type with some very uncomfortable origins. Actually redeeming him, on the other hand, would also run the risk of glossing over his more blatantly cruel acts as a teacher (like his treatment of Neville and Hermione), and wouldn’t satisfy people who wanted to see that really acknowledged.

For myself, I... well. A lot of stories teach kids that the adults they think are mean or scary, or who they see being cruel to their peers or to themselves, might have important reasons for their behaviour that you won’t understand until you’re older. The message, often, is that reporting people like this or getting angry with them is a mistake, and that it’s better to be quiet and just do what they say. Harry Potter is guilty of this kind of messaging with Snape. Dumbledore is always telling Harry that he trusts Snape’s loyalty, and the stories often disprove Harry’s theories that Snape is behind some scheme or evil act, to the point where it’s basically a recurring theme. Suspecting Snape of conspiring against students is wrong. Reporting Snape won’t work. Lashing back as Snape’s misuses of power only makes things worse.

The intended narrative is usually something like ‘snap judgments are bad’ or ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, but that only works if a character’s objectionable traits are purely superficial. Snape, though, really is misusing his authority as a teacher left, right, and center. 

The thing is, though, that kids who grow up in abusive environments (and some adults too) often end up with this fantasy where, if you’re nice enough and forgiving enough of someone’s cruelty, they will heal, and their capacity to love will mean that they stop lashing out, and instead become a great and loyal protector. Because the lesson is all too often ‘you can’t do anything except be nice to them and hope it helps’, and so the dream is ‘a story where it actually DOES help and everything turns out alright in the end’.

I think this lies at the heart of a lot of Snape’s fanon narratives and reinterpretations. Because the stories emphasize that he isn’t going to leave, and he can’t be totally avoided, and so the hopeful, optimistic idea is that he can change, or can reveal to have been motivated by outside forces with regards to his cruelty, and that once those forces are gone, he’ll be a great person to spend time around. That it’s just a matter of time and then there’s going to be a reward for all this energy spent in putting up with an insulting, petty, unfair, mean-spirited and spitefully vindictive man.

Which is a narrative that abusers really really like too, because it encourages people to prioritize forgiving and loving them over holding them accountable to standards of decent behavior.

And that is my own personal biggest problem with his story, and biggest potential dilemma with approaching it. I wouldn’t want to shame or deride people who entertain the hope of being rewarded for kindness and patience and faith in people’s better natures. Harry Potter is ultimately aimed at kids, and kids are often faced with adults who mistreat them, who they can’t escape.The Dursleys won’t change and that’s obvious to most readers. But it’s easy to zero-in on Snape as the character who could. To invest in him all that desire to see the Dream Come True, and watch an adult who was bad become good and caring and actually look after Harry. To think, maybe he’s doing it in secret? And lo, he is! And he’s a hero after all, and he died to help Harry, so maybe all the mean nasty adults who degrade and insult me are going to turn it around in the end, too!

But that’s not Snape’s story, unfortunately. He never really does turn it around.

And if he did turn it around, it would have to be because he decided to and put in the work to do that. It would probably have to happen earlier on in the books, and it would take away the mystery of ‘who’s side is Snape really on?’

So... to be honest, I’m not entirely sure what I would change about him. There are a lot of options, but ultimately, I think shifting around any number of things would mitigate the problems he presents. It’s just a question of which ones anybody wants to tackle.

The simplest fix, to solve the most overall problems would probably be to remove Lily as his motivation, though. Ultimately, if Snape had chosen to turn on Voldemort because of his own principles and standards, then his complexity as a character would actually remain at a level far more consistent with Harry’s conclusions about him. Even if everything else was the same. He’d at least have the virtue of facing down a Dark Lord and protecting a kid he hated for the sake of something decent in him. As it stands, having Lily’s death motivate him just means he’s bitterly blaming everyone else for the difficulties he’s having at half-assedly assuaging the tremendous loads of guilt he brought on himself. It also means that he has an intensely personal reason to want to screw over Voldemort, which on the one hand makes sense, but on the other hand, also means we never see him do any unquestionably noble deed. So there’s not a lot to balance against his unquestionably ignoble deeds - which are pretty damn replete.

It wouldn’t fix everything and it especially wouldn’t satisfy everyone, but I think it would leave more room to agree to disagree on various interpretation of his character.

[hopew0305-blog]

Hope Webber: Fischer (2017); Miller (2013)

Readerly Exploration #2

Fischer (2017); Miller, Ch. 1 (2013)

Readerly Habit: Reflect on the contributions of reading experiences to reader identity in an effort to better articulate who he or she is as a reader

Application: Talk to one classmate about what stood out to him or her in the assigned course reading(s) and share how your reading process was similar or different.

Part I:

“Reading with a Crayon: Pre-conventional Marginalia as Reader Response in Early Childhood” (Fischer, 2017)

Big Idea: The big idea of this article is focused mainly on the following research question: What purpose does drawing in picture books serve in early childhood reading experiences? The author, after flushing out her research, points out that perhaps the common dislike among adults regarding children drawing in books is due to a lack of genuineness in the transferring of books from adults to children.

Nugget of Information: This article contained many nuggets of information I found interesting, but the one I found perhaps the most intriguing is the concept that children use drawing in books as a means of play and communication. In the study, Elijah was playing with the characters in the book as he drew and scribbled in the margins. I find this to be incredibly fascinating and overwhelming. The child, without instruction or demonstration from another person or adult, transferred his knowledge about playing with toys to playing with the characters in books. This concept shocked me as I read this article. This has not been anything I have considered before, and it is so interesting that Elijah interacted with the characters and setting in the book.

Reading with Meaning, chapter 1: Guiding Principles (Miller, 2013)

Big Idea: The big idea from this chapter is based on establishing a teaching environment which encourages and supports the learning that takes place within literacy. Miller gives her overarching principle of teaching: Explain why we are here, why what you are learning matters, and the hard work involved in getting there. The big idea that can be drawn from this is that as educators, we need to create a classroom that invites students to learn and to interact with literacy.

Nugget of Information: This chapter was full of nuggets of useful information! One thing that stood out to me in particular was Miller’s section on her personal reading habits. I identified with her statements about considering herself a good reader simply because she was a fast reader, even though reading fast puts an end to interacting with the text. She gave the advice to have conversations with yourself as you read, which I found to be an interesting way to think about interacting with text and truly taking it in.

Part II: My Readerly Exploration

    To dig deeper into these texts, Nakia Levi and I had a conversation regarding our reading processes and things we found interesting throughout these texts. As I read the article, I found myself wondering if the child, Elijah, considered himself a character in his play, or the narrator. When I said this to Nakia, she stated she had not thought of that. She thought of finding books with scribbles to enhance her learning of this project, and then realized that the scribbles in books are far less significant than the process by which the scribbles appear. I had not considered that- the process matters more than the end result in this case. I connected that with the process of learning- the process (learning, investigating, and thinking) is far more important than the end result (assessments and grades). “The physical scribbles are meaningless unless you know the context in which they were created,” Nakia stated in our conversation (Nakia Levi, 2018).

    We also discussed the format of Fischer’s article. I generally do not enjoy research articles, but I enjoyed this one because the author gave the results at the beginning of the article, which gained my interest and kept me engaged in reading. Nakia stated she had similar feelings, and she appreciated the background the article gave prior to the more intensive information. We agreed that we tend to read the end of articles (“results”) first rather than reading it from beginning to end because it can be frustrating to wait for the end of the article to see what point the author is making. I thought it was interesting that our learning processes were similar in this sense.

    As Nakia and I discussed Debbie Miller’s chapter in Reading with Meaning, we began by asking each other questions about things that were unclear to us. For instance, I explained to Nakia the visual given for workshop time since she did not fully understand the goal of the visual. Similarly, I did not understand one of Miller’s statements regarding her students being “with her” and Nakia was able to explain that to me. I gained a lot from this because it is rewarding to explain something to someone and have them comprehend your explanation, and it was beneficial for me to better understand the text due to Nakia’s explanation. As a reader, I do well with charts, visuals, and pictures, whereas Nakia enjoys written text more in this context. I found that interesting as we discussed the chapter because it showed us that we are different kinds of readers. Additionally, we made similar connections to the text. When Miller explained gradual release of responsibility, we discussed how that relates to when we learned to drive.

    This application helped me to understand how readers differ and the importance of discussing text with different types of readers. Nakia made comments that I had not considered, which helped me to form more coherent thoughts about the text and pushed me to further explore the concepts. She also explained things to me I had difficulty understanding, which helped me to understand the goal of the text in more depth. This journey of discussing, sharing, and reflecting has shown me the ways I can improve as a reader and how I can better help others become more interactive with reading.

For a multimedia component, I have attached two photos from one of my favorite books growing up. I love this book so much, I brought it with me to college! I scribbled on the pages as a child, but only on cover and introductory pages... how interesting!

[sterwood]

it's wild to see how so much of your content is relatively high-effort (you don't seem to just make claims and make it your audience's task to figure out what the fuck you're saying) and even wilder how homestuckposting is the exception to that. I fundamentally disagree that it's good, and I feel like if you had a good argument to the contrary you'd have posted it by now.

This is such a weird ask to me, since I’ve barely been postinganything of substance lately given that I’ve been so damn busy with grad schoolstuff. (And the stuff I’ve been reading, thinking about, etc., wouldn’t makefor very good posts here, since it’s a lot of stuff about Rawls and pragmatismand I just...don’t care, lmao.)

But at the same time: thank you! That’s a very nice thing to see,that one’s effort is recognized even if the culmination of that effort isdisagreed with. 

As far as the homestuck stuff goes though, part of the reason Ihaven’t given any justification of it is that I don’t really see it needing anyjustification, insofar as I’m not often making claims about how great it isoutside of some obviously hyperbolic claims. It’s mostly a private interest,forged out of a depression-fueled quick-read of the comic and the fact that thecomic appeals to a bunch of personal interests/themes/etc. I do think it’sactually great, but I haven’t put forth any effort to flesh out that claim or convinceothers of it in any serious way, mostly because I figure that no one cares.

I’ll attempt to spell out a few reasons that I think it’s very good,or at least important, but I want to recognize at the outset that I’m at adisadvantage in talking about this. You say that you ‘fundamentallydisagree that it’s good’ and that I probably have some ready made argument ofwhy it is, in fact, good. Since you’re anonymous, there’s no set standardbetween us for evaluating this claim (good/bad how?),and so I kind of just have to jump in with some generalities about the comic.If you’re serious with your intent in sending this message though (and I thinkyou are, since you started out with a compliment that shows me that you’veprobably given a looking over at my blog and even, dare I say, follow me onhere), then feel free to message me after with something more specificabout why you don’t think it’s good, so at least there’scommon set of propositions that we’re working with (”I think it’s bad becauseit’s overly convoluted” to which I’d disagree; “I think it’s bad becauseof the whole tumblr parody which was really reactionary” to which I’d agree;etc.) and we could move from there.

Let’s move on though. (This will be along post, and I apologize, especially for those on mobile.)

Reasons why Homestuck is At LeastImportant

There’s two major reasons why I thinkhomestuck (HS) is important, or at least should be regarded as a significantmedia product. Firstly, I think it’s a unique contribution to what mediaproducts can do on the internet;secondly, I think it’s important by virtue of what it contributed to mediaculture generally. Note, in this section I’m not strictly saying why I thinkthe comic is good, but only why I think it’s worth paying attention to,especially if you’re a media studies student, say, or someone interested incultural studies generally or whatever. But let’s turn to both of those points.

A quick reflection: I remember howfrustrated I was growing up when I would read articles online that were aboutmovies or paintings or some piece of visual culture that would only pointtowards the media product. I was frustrated, because there seemed to be noreason to simply talk about mediaproducts when you could actually incorporate them into your discussions. Whyonly talk about a scene in a movie, say, when you could include a clip of thatscene in your essay to provide more exacting context? Media productions andcommentaries weren’t simply bound to text, but writers and creators tended to restrictthemselves to this without need. (There are some reasons for this, especiallywith the state of the internet 9 years ago or so [when homestuck began],principally that pictures and videos loaded slowly and would be overlycumbersome. Still, I was frustrated at the unrealized potential.)

I was similarly frustrated by the typeof content that popped up in most webcomics that I was reading at the time. In2010, I believe, I took an on-campus job working in a geology lab. There waslittle work to be done, and, being nineteen, I stupidly blew off the smallamount of work I had. Even in blowing off that work, though, I still needed tooccupy my time while I was working in the office, and for whatever reason Itook to reading a lot of webcomics. I read all of Questionable Content, xkcd,Diesel Sweeties, Achewood, and (most important for my appreciation of HS,coincidentally) Goats. I didn’t actually read HS at this time (that didn’thappen until 2015), but this set the scene for eventually reading it. And whilereading all of these comics, despite liking them, I was sometimes frustratedhow they still read like traditional comics. It was hard to see how thesecomics were webcomics: I couldn’t seeanything that made them particularly different from normal comics, except forwhere they happened to be located.

In this context, Homestuck is the firstpiece of media that I’m aware of (and certainly the largest) which actually expandedthe ways that a comic could operate. Instead of a series of panels with textincorporated, Homestuck is primarily single panel pages with lots of textattributed to them underneath (of course, this barrage of text is also why manydon’t care for the comic). But it is also a series of flash videos, embeddedvideo games, youtube videos, parody accounts (like the DeviantArt one), albums,etc. It really is astoundingly expansive. Again, this is neither good nor bad,but is a reason for its importance. This is the first media production that I’maware of that attempted to take up the internet as a medium for communicationin its full power (even including user generated actions up through parts ofAct 5). This, alone, would make Homestuck worth paying attention to, even ifonly antagonistically.

Now for the second (shorter) point. Isaw someone joke once that HS is ‘the comic of the Obama era’ since it spansthe whole of his presidency, more-or-less (2009-2016). In that time, it createda *massive* internet presence that simultaneously influenced the content,themes, style, and other aspects of many diverse media forms (the wholeUndertale experience is just one gigantic branch sprouting from this Yggdrasilof memes known as Homestuck). It’s impossible to account for the massive impactthat Andrew Hussie has had on the content and form of the internet as weexperience it today (I mean, for one minor aspect of this, just look atSB&HJ and how those aesthetics have informed a massive amount of memecreation).

In this sense, I think it’s impossibleto regard HS as anything other than important. The pure, impossible to measurecultural impact it has had on media artifacts that we enjoy daily—even if theydon’t seem connected—is hard to overstate. For this reason alone, readingthrough some of HS is probably something worth doing (again, even if it’s onlydone antagonistically). To put this somewhat polemically, at the very leastHomestuck should be read as many novels are: not as a great artistic work, butas a window into a certain kind of cultural logic operating during a given timeperiod. And if that is the approach taken, then it’s hard to try and movepassed HS: I can think of no other media product that has had more of asingular impact, more breadth, and more userinteraction than HS has had on popular culture (except for, perhaps, HarryPotter, though that’s in an entirely different way and also—here’s,potentially, my real polemic—HS is much better).

Now on to some reasons why HS may, infact, actually be good.

Reasons why Homestuck is Good

I’ll break this into a few (hopefullyshort) themes: pacing, conversations, villainy, coherence, characterization, and (most controversially) the ending. (I would urge you—thecollective ‘you’ that may have been foolish enough to get this far—to not readthat last section if you haven’t read the comic. I’m trying to keep thisspoiler free, by and large, because part of my purpose in writing this is tosuggest that you should read it aswell [keep in mind Kant’s claim that aesthetic judgements are normativejudgements, lmao], though I think the ending is too important not to tough onto some extent.)

Pacing.HS does one of the oddest and most interesting things I’ve seen with pacing inany sort of media production. Perhaps this is a reason why some people haven’tenjoyed the comic, but it’s one of the reasons that I find it so thrilling toread, even on my multiple re-reads. The comic tends to move at a snail’s pace,with conversations that drag on and don’t advance the plot much (but they dodevelop characters, so it’s notuseless dialog by any means). This pace is enjoyable, but can get frustratingwhen you can see elements of the story building up to…something. Then, in abrilliant flash, the story erupts with tons of action: many diverse strands ofthe story are woven together into a single tapestry, lending coherence,consistency, and progress to the story. And the contrast between the slowtextual pace and the hyperspeed of the flash videos. The most obvious case ofthis is [S] Cascade, though I’d rather focus on [S] Make Her Pay, because Ithink it’s one of the strongest moments in the comic. (You can see the videohere, if you’re interested: https://www.homestuck.com/story/2578.A warning, though: I believe the video still autoplays, and it has music, sojust beware before opening that link.)

I don’t think I’m spoiling much bypointing to this flash video, since I think that almost everyone that has heardof homestuck at least knows that characters often referred to as ‘the Trolls’play an important part. They show up at the beginning of Act 5, which isperhaps a quarter of the way through the comic (given that [S] Cascade isnearly the halfway point). Their entrance into the story marks a kind of ‘reboot’to the story, where similar themes, tropes, etc. that were built in earlieracts are redeployed with these new characters. Further, it marks a definiteincrease in the complexity of thestory, given that it focuses on 12 difference characters, rather than 4, as thestory had done so far. The whole of Act 5 up until [S] Make Her Pay had beentext-based storytelling: detailing the complicated and twisted history of these‘troll’ characters, their involvement in the ‘game’ that forms the basis forthe whole of HS, and exploring new depths for the comic. But it is alsoslow-moving: the comic even makes reference to this pace in multiple partswhere it coyly talks about how we, the readers, ‘don’t have time’ to exploresome such gag, or go into depth about some story point, or to develop a flashanimation for some aspect of the story (e.g. Karkat’s Strife! with his lusus). This all is cut through with theappearance in the story of [S] Make Her Pay, which weaves the whole of Act 5Act 1 together, filling in many gaps of history that were left intentionallyunexplored at that point, and advancing the story by leaps and bounds. Therhetorical and affective dimensions of this contrast are hard to emphasizeenough: going slowly through all this history, all this plot, all this teen drama, in one of the longesttext-only sequences in the comic, only to have that pace flipped upside down bya single short video that connects so many disparate strands is really,well…exhilarating. It’s one of the things that makes the comic so intenselyenjoyable, dynamic, and, I think, worthwhile. I’ve never seen another piece ofmedia do such wonderful things with pacing.

Conversations.Due to this varied pacing, the majority of the comic is comprised of longdialogues. These dialogues have strong rules of how they’re allowed to beconducted, though. Conversations (until a certain element is introduced intothe story) have to take place through some medium: through a chat client(similar to AOL/MSN messengers), dreams, sprites, hand-written messages, etc.No direct conversations can happen between two people. There’s always somethinggetting in the way of conversations. I’ve never seen anything other than HScapture this element of conversations in the 21st century,especially without taking some condescending tone about how ‘screens rule ourlives’ or something. The fact that all the speech in the comic is mediated bysome form of media isn’t meant as a critique, but an accurate representation ofmany actual dialogues that happen. Perhaps this is only a good part of HSbecause it appeals to some of my sensibilities, so I’ll keep this short, butit’s an aspect that makes me enjoy the comic a lot. Growing up in the late90s/early 00s (I graduated high school in 2009, for a sense of my timelinehere), and having forged many friendships—even with friends I knew‘IRL’—through similar chat clients and such, this aspect of the comic simplyseems very real and intimate to me. I know that weird sense of closeness withpeople that you only, or primarily, know through text, and the kind of yearningthat can engender—and I think HS captures that very well.

Villainy.In sending your message, I assume you were prompted by the post I rebloggedthat mentioned that HS features many of the standard tropes of a literary epic.Of those kinds of tropes, one that wasn’t mentioned (and which tends to beparticular to post-1940s epics or pseudo-epics) is the presence of some kind ofabsolute evil entity which corrupts and destroys beyond any realm ofrationality. A figure of ‘radical evil’ if you will: an evil which is cold,calculating, perhaps even intelligent in many respects, but which displays akind of horrifying excess of humanness which is warped into some kind ofabominable evil. HS has such a figure and fleshes him out very well, and healso ends up being one of the best characters in the story (best in the senseof developed, engaging, important, etc. – not ‘good,’ obviously): Caliborn.

Caliborn (and LE) is a reallyinteresting villain because, as Dave mentions at one point, he hasn’t had muchof a direct evil influence over any aspect of the story (“what kind ofvillain is someone you never met who hardly did anything evil to you or yourfriends directly/or even to anyone in your universe for that matter other thanthrough some vague insidious influence/who even is this guy and why should ihate him” (6385)). By and large, he’s been absent fromany direct engagement with any character in the story, and yet his evil isomnipresent. As his constantly tagline goes “he is already here.”

The major way in which Caliborn is evilis through excessively narcissistic he is, how thoroughly self-involved, andhow he desires to make his will reality in all instances. He bends the fabricof time around himself to propagate and ensure his own existence: hisimmortality is guaranteed simply because he will to continue existing. His evilis systemic: it’s the very (genetic) code of the gaming session that all themain characters of the story occupy, and all of its other instances as well.

Further, there’s a level of ambivalentcruelty mixed with enjoyment that we get in Caliborn’s character that’s hard tosee matched in any other literary figure that comes to my mind. Yes, much ofhis dialogue is full of jokes and statements that make him seem very, verystupid, arrogant, etc. But there are a few scenes where we get a sense that heis a kind of primordial, absolute evil, who sees the very purpose of hisexistence as that of wrecking pain and terror across many instances ofuniverses. Two such scenes suffice here. (Potential spoilers follow in the restof this section.) The first is from when Caliborn enters his own session:consumed with hatred for the only other living being he’s known (albeitdirectly), he kills off a part of himself and awakens with joy. He thenproceeds to remove his own leg forcefully (that kind of dedication through painis frightening), and initiate the game. While everything is being sucked into ablack hole behind him, while the whole of his world and life are beingdestroyed around him, he is seen smiling serenely with his eyes closed. He cansmile, because he knows that this is the beginning of his dominance overeverything: this destruction is a prelude to him carrying out his will todestroy everything forever and in all ways. It is, quite simply, chilling.

The second scene happens in a shortconversation with Jake. This comment comes across almost as a joke, but itreally highlights the depth of evil he occupies. In talking about what it meansto be a ‘Lord’ in terms of his class, and how he came to recognize hispotential within this class, he says that “NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT ITTAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER./IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT./SO I HAVE ACHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK./WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELYUNACCEPTABLE./OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS.” (5671). Despitethe presentation (Caliborn’s manner of speaking often undercuts the severity ofwhat he’s saying, but it’s important for a reader to keep this in mind), thisidea that Caliborn is willing to endure infinite suffering and pain to ensurethat his will is carried out—a will that desire the utter elimination of allthings throughout all of existence—is honestly terrifying. He is a characterwhose evil isn’t marked by any singular action (again, as Dave mentioned), butby a relentless drive. To be a bit obtuse here, Caliborn is basically theLacanian ‘lamella,’ especially in the sense that the lamella “doesn’t exist,but persists.” Caliborn suffers beyond life and death, as a half-dead creature(I mean, to really put the point explicitly here, the lamella is a half-dead,abject excess of life, and Caliborn is a skull monster who through the sheerforce of will ensures the necessity of his continued existence): he is evilincarnate, and I’ve never seen such a radical evil presented in a better waythan through HS. This is honestly one of the biggest literary achievements ofHS, and that’s why I’m dwelling on it at length. But let’s continue 

Coherence.This may seem like an odd category, since I believe that many see HS asexcessively chaotic and unstructured. I thoroughly disagree and thinking thatthe overwhelming coherence of this nearly decade-long story is part of whatmakes it so good. This is apparent in the many jokes and themes that arecarried through the comic, even at a distance of thousands of panels (twoimmediate examples jump out at me: the joke about how Sassacre’s text could‘kill a cat’ that’s realized after about 4500 pages, or the ‘bleating like agoat for ironic purposes’ gag that’s realized in about the same span). Further,this coherence is built into the overall structure of the comic: the fact thatthe first half of the comic takes place within about a day’s time whereas thelatter half takes place over 3 years (punctuated at the end by a lot of actionat the end) shows that the general structure of the comic follows the patternof pacing mentioned above. There is a lot more I could point to that would showjust how wonderfully coherent the whole HS story is, but I’m not sure if that’sa useful exercise upfront. It’d be more useful to talk about coherence inresponse to a dispute over whether some aspect of HS was coherent or not—absentthat, there doesn’t seem to be much of a point in detailing such here, otherthan to note that I do believe that the comic is generally very well puttogether (with the ending being a big bit of punctuation on this point).

Characterization.Andrew Hussie did two primary things with characterization that I appreciateand find worthwhile in the comic. The first thing he did was give a lot ofspace for characterization. We end up knowing a ton of information about thecharacters in the comic and a good 90% of it is relevant in some way to theplot (some of it is just interesting details, which is more or less fine whenyou have a character driven story where the characters are likable). Thesecharacters are dynamic and fully fleshed out in almost all cases (Nepeta is probablythe one major exception to this, though she even got a bit more development inthe end that pulled her away from just being a lolcat meme). Sure, any goodstory should have characterization like this, but I think the length ofhomestuck allows it to happen in really supple and subtle ways: the majority ofcharacters in the story are multi-faceted characters who develop in believableways over time that come into conflicts that sometimes just aren’t resolved.There’s also the willingness to have characters that are just irredeemablyhorrible people, without trying to shoehorn some kind of redemption arc in(Eridan is a nice example of this: he’s a thoroughly detestable and horribleperson, and there is no possible way to see him in a good light in a fairreading of the text [the HS fandom, which is not on trial here and should beexcluded from most all of these statements, has tried to make him into asympathetic character time and time again, and this is only possible becausethey’re reading the comic badly]). Further, and lastly on this point, due tothe depth of characterization, there’s also a lot of great between-characterinteractions in the comic: not great because they’re funny or witty orwhatever, but because they show the depth of character and work and a mutualrecognition of that depth between characters. The speech that Dirk gives aboutRoxy before their session’s versions of Derse and Prospit were destroyed is agreat example of this (and one of the greatest tragedies of the comic, from areader standpoint, is that Dirk never gets to tell Roxy any of that directly,at least not in any manner that we see).

Secondly, and this is heavily relatedto the first point, the depth of characterization that Hussie gives to theplayers in HS allows him to start with kind of obvious and one-dimensionalstereotypes of characters and morph them into something fully fleshed. And hedoes this not by simply inverting the roles of those stereotypes of something(which is common in a lot of ‘ironic’ pieces of media that try and overturn themajor tropes working within a given genre) but by fully fleshing outcharacters. I think this may be most apparent in someone like Dave. He beganthe comic by being a stereotype of some kind of hipster-bro, and almost all ofhis jokes, interactions, and conversations revolved around this stereotype. Itwas even folded into his personal mythology: because he’s the coolest, the mostcapable, etc., he’s the one that’s ‘meant to’ take down LE when all is said anddone. Slowly though, through confronting the stupidity that his mythologyforces him into (like having welsh swords as key items, for some reason) andalso confronting the death of his ‘bro’ and the feelings that stirred in him,he comes much more of a fully fleshed character. And by the end of the entirecomic, as he’s confronting issues of cross-cultural exchange, his ownrelationship to his abusive upbringing, his conflicted feelings about how tosituate his sexuality, etc., Dave has easily become one of the most thoroughlyrealized characters in the entirety of HS. That’s a hard thing to do when you’restarting with stereotypes of characters (which, it should be added, wasnecessary given the types of stories and games that Hussie was trying to riffoff of in developing HS) and end up with something thoroughly real, and HSshould be commended for being able to do such on many different fronts.

[I was going to add another piece aboutthe nice temporal dynamics of the comic, taking place originally over a day andthen over the course of three years, but this is already long enough and I’vementioned this part of HS a bit above, so I’ll let it be.]

TheEnding. I had a literature professor onceremark that the most conservative part of novels is the ending, because itforecloses on all of the openness and contingency at work during the otherparts of the novel. This is true for most pieces of media, and is why theendings of most things are bad (I’m replaying Mass Effect right now and it’sreminded me of two of my least favorite endings in media ever: that game, andBattlestar Galactica). I think HS, in many ways, gets around this problem.

To celebrate the ending of HS iscontentious, I know. It was mostly hated among the fandom. But I really thinkthat the ending is one of the most flawlessly executed pieces of the wholecomic. Many people were mad at the ending because it ‘left so many questions’open—but this is precisely why it’s good. It allows us to see that thecharacters continue to exist in some form or another, that their relationshipsdevelop, but it doesn’t answer every question that the comic poses, nor does iteven attempt to give us a rubric for evaluating those questions in anydefinitive way. Further, the ending is *genuinely surprising.* In a comic that’srevolved around a plot point of a ‘final boss’ that must be faced andvanquished, the comic surprisingly ends without this boss being defeated in anysimple manner. Instead, the main characters simply escape the confines of the ‘game’that they’ve been playing: a game that has brought them isolation, tragedy, andendless fear. The major resolution of the story comes through the charactersjust being allowed to live for a while, to enjoy their lives. That’s why theending text for the story isn’t “and they lived happily ever after” (or somesimilar cliché), but “Thanks for playing”—a sign that the worst is in the pastand that the lives of these characters is now truly beginning in a way that’s totallyup to them. That’s why, in the afterward,we get a snapchat story that shows various pieces of the lives of these characters,up through John’s 21st birthday. It was the best solution to such acomplex, diverse, and nearly decade-spanning comic: to allow the characters tohave some space to actually live on.

It was also the single best way ofdealing with this ‘final boss’—Lord English. In his form as Caliborn, as quotedabove, he’s a character that’s willing to suffer forever if it means that hehas complete control over the existence of the whole of reality. The best wayto ‘destroy’ such a character isn’t to have them killed (that would simply markan endpoint to their terror, but LE wouldn’t experience it as anything bad, torturous,etc.), but to have them trapped within a dimension all to themselves. By theend of the comic, LE is trapped in the game, with no means of escape, and isbound to the rules and logic of such a game. Sure, he’s omnipotent within thatsphere of influence, but all the characters have moved on to something else.This assigns him to a fate worse than death: to suffer forever without, throughthat suffering, attaining control and power over others. In this sense, I feelthat the ending that Hussie designed for HS is the only reasonable ending: andpulling off such a wonderful ending to such a long and complex comic is quitean achievement—especially since, as I’ve mentioned, this ending didn’t simply ‘tieloose ends’ or anything. It resolved the central tension of the story while(intentionally) leaving other tensions and questions unresolved and unanswered.It was—and this is rare for most any piece of media—a fully realized,thoughtful, and incredible ending to a story that I find to be one of the bestI have read in very many, many years.

And so that’s it. I was going toinclude another section about how HS is at least not-bad where I list common reasons that the comic is seen as badand show that they miss the mark, but this is long enough as is (9 pages inword). So I’ll leave this here. This isn’t a total justification of why I likehomestuck or why I think it’s worth paying attention to, I haven’t addressedmany of the major points, but I think I’ve made the case, at least partially,for why I think the comic might be worth taking a look into. Beyond that, I don’treally know what I can do, given that I’m only working with the message placed inmy inbox. But considering that most don’t care….that’s probably more thanenough, lmao.

[the-end-of-art]

Became part of our personal coherence

Mourning My White Husband in the Age of Trump  by Erin Aubry Kaplan in the New York Times

When I married in 2000, I changed my name. I expanded it — kept my name but added my husband’s name, Kaplan, without a hyphen. I wanted my name to reflect a conjoining that was also an evolution, literally one thing following another. This was an experiment, as all marriages are, that felt exciting and open-ended, not least because I’m black and my husband was white.

I wasn’t excited because I thought we’d be some kind of symbol of racial resolution. I was hardly that naïve, and neither was Alan. I am a journalist who had been covering black matters for years at that point, and Alan was a locally famous high school teacher of American history who believed that race and racism had shaped America far more than it was willing to admit. Not surprisingly, he didn’t think changing my name was a great idea. “Black people know you as Erin Aubry,” he said bluntly. “They’ll resent a name so obviously white and Jewish. It’ll get in your way.”

He wasn’t being snide or heroic. One of the many things he’d figured out is that white people showing up in a black space, including the intimate space of a relationship, is seen by many black folks as an incursion, even if they don’t say so. That he understood and was even sympathetic to this view impressed me, but I changed my name anyway. It felt romantic.

We were married nearly 15 years. In the summer of 2015, Alan died unexpectedly from complications following a routine surgery. He was only 60. A little more than a year after that, Donald Trump was elected president. Since then I have wrestled with two kinds of grief: losing Alan and losing the singular honesty and clarity he brought to the issue of race not just as my husband but as a white man in America. The griefs are related, one compounding the other.

In this new age of racial retrenchment, without the incisiveness Alan brought to our discussions of whiteness and its vastly underestimated impact on the national psyche, I feel more alone than at any other time in my life. Throughout our relationship, we shared a political lens and a common language around the import and meaning of race that was a big part of our intimacy, and part of my certainty that however estranged I might feel from the larger white world, I always had someone at home to talk to.

And talk freely: I never had to explain or defend my racial frustrations, anxiety or even paranoia. That isn’t to say Alan agreed with me all the time. We routinely questioned each other’s orthodoxies about white and black. Sparks flew because the stakes were high on both sides, personally and professionally.

Alan’s anger about racial inequality was rooted in his work, but it wasn’t something he left in the classroom — and I loved that about him. Ever the teacher, sometimes he’d challenge me to justify my feelings with evidence; other times he’d cite a book or article he’d read recently — by Chris Hedges, Naomi Wolf, Chalmers Johnson — that put my feelings into a bigger, more complicated context than I sometimes wanted to consider.

“I’m not one of your students,” I’d say impatiently. “I don’t have to write a paragraph supporting my opinion that Trent Lott is racist. He’s racist!”

“That’s true, but that doesn’t mean you can be a lazy thinker,” he’d shoot back. “If you don’t have a strong argument, people can take you apart. They’ll take black people apart. You’ll lose what you should win.”

But just as often he listened, and got angry right along with me. One thing we understood is that while we had racial differences, we had the same racial problems.

At the same time, he had racial blind spots; he could still be a white guy with privilege who thought his views should wield more influence than they did. In the new millennium, as the conservative grip on the country tightened during the Bush years, he grew impatient, then angry, with fellow teachers he felt were too complacent about race. He was sometimes dismayed that I was pegged as a black writer when what I wrote should have resonated equally with readers of all races. He hated that.

Our different upbringings made for different outlooks. In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle. For all his wokeness, he couldn’t escape his American sense of entitlement, and sometimes I watched it from the outside with a kind of bewilderment, even admiration.

But always our back-and-forth kept me thinking, reassessing, curious about the nature of the country’s flaws and, with every new idea Alan dissected, I was more hopeful that the flaws could be repaired someday. He was not nearly as hopeful, but that optimism gap was part of the yin and yang that bound us together. His impassioned analyses of racial disconnection was part of our connection; the historical failure of black and white to cohere became part of our personal coherence that, even as it grew, I never took for granted.

These days I know plenty of outraged white people, good friends among them. But none have Alan’s hard-earned view, his heart, his organic and sometimes abrasive indignation that was part of who he was, not a response to a particular moment or crisis or president. And of course no person, black or white, was as close to me as he was. No other person was my husband.

With Alan I could say all the things too risky or too subtle to say to white people at parties or in public. Today, while I’m determined not to hold back with white folks anymore — in the age of lies-as-truth, honesty feels like the only path left — the not-holding-back feels like a job. It’s not an act of love, at least not in the immediate way it had been for me.

In Alan’s last days, when he was conscious (but unable to speak) and I was sure he’d recover, I tried to re-enlist him in our running conversation. I gestured to the news playing on the TV in his hospital room. “Look, Alan, Trump is running for president,” I exclaimed. “Can you believe it?”

I knew the answer: Of course he believed it. He’d been talking his entire career, and our entire marriage, about the gravitational pull of racial fear and loathing on politics, and Mr. Trump’s swiftly rising appeal was the storm that had been gathering during eight years of Barack Obama.

Yet for the first time, he seemed utterly uninterested in such news; as I ranted at the screen, he turned his eyes away. Maybe he knew what was coming, and knew he wasn’t going to be here for it.

I am living the next adventure by myself, though I take some comfort in living it — surviving it — with his name.

(https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/24/opinion/sunday/interracial-marriage-trump-mourning.html)

[noretreatnancy]

January Reading Wrap-Up

Okay so I want to start typing up a little summary/review for each of the books I read this year, so that maybe some of my followers can find some new titles! This month I read 5 romances, 2 fantasies, 2 non-fiction (a memoir and a recounting of some supposedly true paranormal events), and 1 mystery/thriller. If you’re interested in any of those genres, maybe check out the reviews under the cut :)

Mystery/Thriller

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

Rating: 2.5/5

This book was a mega disappointment for me. The concept was really intriguing. Jules has just recently been through some life turmoil, losing her job, boyfriend, and home in the same day. She takes a job apartment sitting in a very prestigious historical building with a dark history. Weird occurrences ensue, including strict rules and missing apartment sitters. If you don’t read/watch a lot of mystery/thriller/(even true crime) content and are interested in dabbling, this could be a good choice for you. Unfortunately, I found the hints started dropping a little too early, and the answers were a little too obvious for me to be properly intrigued. I wanted a really slow burn mystery, and this just felt overly rushed for me. 

Non-Fic

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (memoir)

Rating: 5/5

I don’t usually rate non-fiction, especially memoirs, because it’s hard for me to but a grade on someone’s account of their own life. But holy shit this book blew me out of the water. This is the story of Carmen Maria Machado’s abusive same-sex relationship, and the unique struggles faced by victims of f/f relationship violence. First of all, Machado’s writing is unparralled. Absolutely gorgeous. The way she structures this, all the history and pop culture she ties in keeps it feeling fresh and engaging. The content is of course very heavy, dealing with themes of abuse in many different forms. However, imo these issues are handled with honesty and grace, in a way that never felt gratuitous. 

The Mothman Prophecies by John Keel (paranormal account)

Rating: N/A

Uhm... I hated every second of reading this. I love Mothman. I love reading/watching/listening to content around weird/spooky/paranormal occurrences. I did not love this book. It was so boring. Total slog to read. There was no narrative structure/order of events. I assumed the story would track the beginning of weird reports in Point Pleasant, then follow Keel’s own arrival and investigation of these reports, with his own experiences and background being used to create a coherent story. That’s not what this is. This is a random arrangement of ufo/men in black/strange encounter stories that all fit a similar theme. Not to say no one would enjoy this, or that it doesn’t present interesting theories (it certainly does), just didn’t work for me. If you want a more easily digestible (and by FAR more enjoyable) version of this, check out the Astonishing Legends podcast and their episodes covering this book. 

Fantasy

Black Sun (Book 1, Between Earth and Sky) by Rebecca Roanhorse

Ratung: 4/5

Finally some good fucking food. if you’re looking for some adult fantasy with a new and interesting world, have I got a book for you. This is a multiple POV story following four main characters and two main plotlines. Xiala, a Teek (siren-esque) ship captain hired to transport Serapio (who may or may not be the vessel of an apocalypse god) to the city of Tova, where Naranpa (the Sun Priestess) is trying to navigate a city on the brink of political upheaval. The world is inspired by Pre-Columbian civilizations in the Americas, and the lore/magic/politics are all totally unlike any other fantasy I’ve read. 

Come Tumbling Down (Book 5, Wayward Children) by Seanan McGuire

Rating: 3

This was definitely a solid addition to this series, if not my favorite. The Wayward Children series follows the adventures of children who were able to enter magical worlds, but for a variety of reasons had to leave those worlds. This book most closely aligns with books one and two, almost feeling like a direct sequel to book two with the addition of characters from book three. It didn’t have the emotional impact for me that earlier books did, but there was nothing glaringly bad or wrong here. I would definitely recommend this series to anyone who enjoyed portal/doorway/wardrobe to a magical world stories as a kid. 

Romance

The Bride Test (Book 2, The Kiss Quotient) by Helen Hoang

Rating: 5/5

I love this series. I love these characters. As far as I’m concerned, Helen Hoang cannot fucking miss. This is an excellent sequel to The Kiss Quotient, but can be read on it’s own no problem. This story follows Esme, a Vietnamese woman who is enlisted to travel to the US to woo and marry Khai, an autistic man who isn’t interested in dating (much to the concern of his mother). They’re both dealing with their own issues in this book. Khai is convinced that he can’t feel love, because he’s spent his entire life being told he’s demonstrating it in the wrong way. Esme is dealing with the struggles of a new immigrant, who wants to be able to support her family back in Vietnam (including her young daughter), while also dealing with the pressure to seduce Khai. Shenanigans ensue. These books have the perfect balance of sweetness/sexy appeal/angst. There is a good deal of miscommunication/misunderstanding/secret keeping in here, but it’d ultimately a minor issue in an overall really supportive relationship full of mutual admiration. I will absolutely be reading the third book, and I highly recommend the series overall. 

She Tempts the Duke (Book 1, Lost Lords of Pembrook) by Lorraine Heath

Rating: 3/5

This was fine. I’ve read better historical romance, but I have certainly read worse. This book follows Mary and Sebastian, childhood friends separated by a tragedy. When they were children, Sebastian and his brothers were forced to flee for their lives based on the actions of their power hungry uncle. Now, as adults, they have returned to reclaim their father’s title. Mary, who helped them escape, has just been allowed back into society after a childhood in a convent, and she must work extra hard to maintain her reputation in order to maintain her engagement. I’m sure you can imagine where it goes from there. The story itself is very simple, there were no twists or unexpected turns. The childhood friends aspect could’ve been played up more imo, but I did enjoy the care between the two leads. They really want what’s best for each other. The most interesting aspect for me was the relationship between the brothers, and how they’ve all been changed and hardened by their pasts.

Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade

Rating: 3.5/5

This was cute! The book follows Marcus (a major actor in a GOT-esque blockbuster fantasy TV show on the rocks) and April (fan of the show). April and Marcus both write fanfiction for the same ship (half of which is Marcus’s own character), and have developed a strong online friendship, both keeping their identities secret. If anyone were to find out that Marcus writes show critical fanfic, he would be in serious legal trouble, not to mention what it would do to his reputation. April has been keeping her fandom life separate from her real life, in order to maintain credibility in her career. However, a new work environment gives her the confidence to be more open about her passions. April posts a cosplay of herself as one of the characters from the show (the other half of their ship). April is plus-size, and her cosplay gets a lot of attention, some of which being internet typical negativity. Marcus sees this hate online, and is so upset by it that he publicly praises her and asks her on a date (not knowing April is his fanfic buddy). Shenanigans ensue. I liked this book a lot, I thought the concept was cute and I loved how sweet Marcus was at all times. The relationship felt really grounded in the friendship/common interests of the characters. There is a lot of misunderstanding/miscommunication in this book, to the point where I did become frustrated, even if it is understandable based on the insecurities of the characters. 

Take A Hint, Dani Brown (Book 2, The Brown Sisters) by Talia Hibbert

Rating: 4/5

Zaf I am in love with you. This is the second book in the series but you can totally read it on its own without the context of the first book. This is the story of Dani (a bi phd student with a no relationship rule) and Zaf (an ex-pro rugby player turned security guard who loves romance novels and deals with extreme anxiety). Zaf and Dani work in the same building on a college campus, and have developed a casual friendship. During a fire drill gone wrong, a video of Zaf rescuing Dani goes viral, with everyone thinking they are a couple. Zaf wants to use the publicity to help his charity organization (helping teen boys learn emotional maturity), Dani wants a no-strings sex arrangement with Zaf, fake-dating ensues. This series is the blueprint for healthy relationships built on mutual respect and admiration, with two characters learning to deal with their own issues with the help and support of their potential romantic partner. If you don’t usually read romance bc of the genre-typical problematic content, consider checking this series out. 

One Foot in the Grave (Book 2, Night Huntress) by Jeaniene Frost

Rating: 3/5

This series follows Cat, a half human/half vampire hybrid who hunts vampires. In this book, set four years after the first, she is the leader of a vampire hunting secret government kill squad. Her ex-lover, the vampire Bones, who trained her and is basically the love of her life, reappears after four years of separation. They are very, very obviously Buffy and Spike (if Spike was a good guy). It was better than the first one. More/better humor, Cat is much less annoying. I liked the relationship dynamics, particularly with Cat and her team. It really kind of negates the big conflict set up at the end of the first book, so that all the relationship drama there feels very pointless. There is a TON of woman/woman hate in this series and it’s so cringey. I try to be lenient bc the books are old and I know that kind of attitude was common back then, but oh my god is it gross and weird. There is literally ONE female character Cat views in a positive lights, and she literally disappears into thin air 1/4 of the through the book. I wish the romance wasn’t so rushed (a complaint I had in the first book as well). If you like paranormal romance and don’t mind a pretty dated read, this series could be fun for you. 

Other

Rooms by Lauren Oliver

Rating: 3/5

I have no idea what genre to call this (literary fiction?? kind of??). It’s a ghost story and the story of a pretty messed up family dealing with their issues. The writing is really pretty, but the story feels kind of without substance. Like there are multiple POVs (the two ghosts haunting the house, the mother of the family, the sister and the brother, the niece), but none of them really struck any cords with me. I never felt emotionally connected to anyone. It was a really easy read, I enjoyed the writing. The concept was interesting. It just felt a little hollow and pointless to me, which sounds really harsh considering I by no means hated it. 

[kuraiamore]

my thoughts on the gintama live action movie

(ft. spoilers on the ending of the movie/the changes made to the Benizakura retelling, and a rant concerning my fave character, Katsura Kotarou)

When I first found out that the Gintama live action movie would be playing in the cinemas of my country, I’m pretty sure I screamed for joy, and then began impatiently checking for session dates and times so I could watch it the first chance I got.

That chance came a few days ago, when I flew to Sydney for a quick weekend getaway trip with my friend, and honestly, the opportunity couldn’t have been better.

After getting haphazardly lost and confused about Sydney’s Entertainment Quarter looking for the cinema, we walked maybe a few minutes late into the start of the movie to find a COMPLETELY EMPTY THEATRE!!

Just to confirm how empty it was but for me and my friend, I took a super blurry selfie:

It was honestly so awesome, because it meant we got to talk and laugh freely, and I could refresh her memory as to characters and their backstories and motives as needed (she’s not quite a Gintama fan, but she’s watched a few eps a long time ago and generally knows about and likes the series).

For me, this really, really added to the experience, because the movie is most definitely something you want to be able to share with friends and have a laugh about.

I have to admit that I did have my reservations about the movie before watching it, mostly because the trailer made it seem as if the movie was setting out to be a serious, action-driven version with comedy moments thrown for no seemingly coherent reason. I worried that the glaringly cartoonish CGI and post-production edits found in pretty much every live action anime adaptation would simply be too surreal and …emphatic, shall we say, for a “real” setting, and that that would continually  visually jar me out of the movie to the point of being unable to enjoy it. Throw in the questionable costume designs, and the seemingly awkward acting that comes from playing exaggeratedly expressive anime characters in a straight and serious manner, and yeah, for all my excitement and anticipation, I had my doubts.

Ten minutes in, and I realised that every point of potential concern that I had had was really, genuinely what gave the movie the heart and warmth of Gintama, pushing the visuals and scenes to levels of ridiculousness that just worked. After all, how could I not giggle at CGI sparkles glinting off Kondou’s honey covered body, or at the fact that half the actors were walking around in freaking velvet lined kimonos? I was so happy at the way the movie was so self-aware and didn’t take itself seriously as per true Gintama-style, allowing them to use post-effects in genuinely funny ways.

The wacky, B-grade-feels acting was great too, because you could tell where the actors were having fun and you just had to smile too. The charming wackiness of their overacting captured the spirit of the characters exceptionally, and I have to give a special shout-out to Jiro Sato, Ken Yasuda, Masaki Suda, and Kanna Hashimoto for their respective roles as Henpeita Takechi, Tetsuya Murata, Shinpachi, and Kagura. Straight up, any scenes with them, especially the former two, were utterly hilarious, and had both me and my friend laughing for the acting.

This is all to share with you the feel-good vibes and genuine happiness I got from watching the Gintama live action, and to say that the coming rant I really made this post for does not in any way detract from my overall enjoyment and love for the movie.

But I have to say it.

(Note: this is also where spoilers come in)

I was, and remain, so, so, so disappointed with how they changed the ending to the Benizakura Arc, because it really drove home for me just how much the nuances of Katsura Kotarou’s character gets side-lined for other characters.

Perhaps this is a petty complaint driven entirely by my unashamed love and complete bias for Zura, but it is nevertheless one that left me leaving the cinema feeling disgruntled however much I enjoyed the movie in its entirety.

(Zura’s pretty face, because I couldn’t help myself and there was no one around to stop me)

Considering that this movie was made to be accessible to both Gintama fans and newcomers alike, the way characters were introduced is pivotal to how the audience is meant to understand the role of each character. In Zura’s case, his introduction, as well as his main scenes in the first half of the movie, is to set up his relationship to Gintoki as friend and comrade-in-arms.

Even before we learn of his position as Joui patriot, we learn that he would face and fight a running horde of armed police officers in support and defence of his friend, a relationship and character trait that is further highlighted in their next scene together where their history as schoolmates and war brothers is revealed.

Whether for plot purposes or not, the movie goes out of its way at the start to establishment this relationship dynamic between them, which is why it both infuriated and saddened me when at the climax of the movie, in the showdown between Gintoki and Takasugi, the script left Zura literally standing on the sidelines while his beloved childhood friends beat the ever-loving shit out of each other.

Just stood there.

Watching.

Not saying a word.

Not rushing in to separate the two closest people he has, not lifting a single finger to try and stop them.

Just stood there, until the script was ready for Gintoki to make his escape, at which point Katsura was finally allowed to come in and help a bloodied and bruised Gin to his feet so they could jump off the side of the ship together.

Leaving Katsura off to the side like that does a complete disservice to his character, as well as the complex relationship Gin, Zura and Takasugi are meant to have as battle-scarred childhood friends and disciples of Shouyou. Because it is not in any iterations of Katsura’s character to stand still and do nothing when the people he loves rage and hurt (and he loves Gin and Sugi, wholly, with every ounce of his being, and will hope and wait for them until the end of earth and time). Even at his most determined to kill Takasugi, he stands and talks to him first, tries to reason and offer something more beyond the world’s mere destruction, tries to remind Takasugi of the people still left behind. (It’s interesting in a way, how Zura accepts Takasugi in his madness and in his subtle way, wants to remind Takasugi of who he once was (who he once wanted to be) and what he once fought for, wants to slowly steer Takasugi to that person once more, the way Gintoki did for him; whereas Gintoki would kill that Takasugi to preserve the memory of the Takasugi-that-once-was.)

Zura has an extraordinarily deep and complex love for the two men he once fought beside, burdened as it is with the shared trauma of their sensei’s death and their loss in the war, and I do not accept that he would just stand there while those two men, for all intents and purposes, tried to kill each other.

There has always been a strong emphasis on the GinTaka relationship in the series, the love-hate, friendship-rivalry, resignation-rage, push-pull between them that’s unique to them—and that’s fine, except for me, this happens all too often at the expense of Zura, who’s contribution and added layered to their relationship is left forgotten or ignored. This maddens me sooo much, both in an angry way and a drives-me-up-the-wall-mad way, because it blithely disregards the intricacies and subtleties of their past, present and future, as if it never would have really mattered whether Zura was there or not.

Zura’s lack of presence and weight in formulating GinTaka’s relationship, and the role Shouyou’s remaining disciples are meant to play, has only been becoming more and more pronounced as the series has continued on and the focus concerning the relationship between Shouyou’s disciples stays stubbornly centred on Gintoki and Takasugi.

For example, in the animated Benizakura movie, Takasugi’s speech about wanting to destroy the world and his reasons for it are delivered to Katsura, and Katsura only. This then makes Katsura contemplative, resulting in his question about the divergence of their paths to Gintoki during their escape, as well as the question about each of the copies of their notebooks from their student says. With a kind of forced detachment, Gin replies that he spilt ramen on it and threw it away.

Comparatively, in the live action, while Takasugi’s dialogue about destroying the world is still delivered to Katsura, the bubbling rage of his reasons is directed at Gintoki, with Katsura off-scene assumedly dealing with Amanto. This split between who the dialogue is being delivered to subsequently puts the escape-contemplation scene out of context: without Takasugi’s reference to the man they lost and the reason for his rage against the world, would Katsura have been driven to ask Gintoki his question about their shared childhood? With Takasugi’s rage and accusation in his face, would Gintoki be able to reply, so stoically, that he threw spilt ramen on, and then threw away, a remaining memento of the man he looked up to. cherished and almost broke his soul for? (Perhaps you could argue that he would, but I think about the Shogun Assassination Arc, and I simply don’t see it.)

Like I said, perhaps this is a petty frustration, but I have been having these feelings for a while, especially with the way that Takasugi and Katsura have barely been allowed any time to interact in the manga/anime since their conflict during the Benizakura Arc. I keep feeling as if the potential for the nuances in their relations is ignored, as well as further development of each of their characters through an exploration of their three-way relationship. Just to make myself clear, I’m not saying  that there shouldn’t be an indepth look at, and emphasis on, the GinTaka relationship, because that is one of the most intriguing, heartbreaking and powerful relationships in the series, or that Zura hasn’t been mostly treated decently as a character or anything along those lines. I just wish that the relationship the three of them have with each other could be explored more evenly, because I think that would add a richness and extra dimensions to their status as Shouyou’s disciples, particularly in seeing whether they have outgrown it, endeavour to live by it, or are almost destroying themselves with its weight.

My feelings about the unevenness of the GinTakaZura relationship aside, the Gintama live action movie is a must-see for Gintama fans. It’ll give you warm fuzzy feelings like hot chocolate or coffee (whatever your preference) and if you let yourself get swept along for the ride, I guarantee you’ll leave the theatre (or your living room!) grinning like a maniac.

;D

[recentanimenews]

BokuBen – 12 – The Sting of Defeat

Nariyuki and Uruka are a great couple I’m proud to ship, and they’re only a five-minute proper conversation away from living happily ever after. While I’d like to say I’m under no illusions that BokuBen will actually ever make them a thing, the teasing keeps me coming back. I guess I’m saying I’m an idiot…but a generally happy one, so who cares!

This week both halves of my favorite couple are sick of the awkwardness that’s cast a pall over their once lively friendship, and both seek the advice of their sensei Fumino. In addition to stringing along a NariUka shipper like me, they continue to lock Fumino in a cycle of pushing her own potential feelings for Nariyuki aside in favor of supporting her friends, Uruka and Riko.

She’s unsure how to break out of this cycle, and is worried Uruka and Nariyuki’s continued problems will have an adverse effect on their studying, so she decides to break neutrality and help Uruka out this time. To closely supervise her two students, she shows up to their rendezvous in a shrewd disguise.

Fumino quickly learns things are much worse than she thought regarding these two. Every effort to spark a conversation is quickly snuffed out when the talk quickly goes back to the source of the awkwardness, whether it’s Uruka’s see-through top after the rain, or her sexily modified uniform at the shrine.

As the two grow more and more awkward and discouraged, their texts to Fumino grow less and less coherent. Matters aren’t helped by Nariyuki and Uruka constantly insisting they’re not talking about themselves, but “friends of theirs,” a conceit that grows less and less plausible as the meeting digresses.

Finally, Fumino’s complicated texting is interrupted by Sawako asking about hairstyles, and she sends the wrong texts to the wrong party by accident. Thanks to pure dumb luck (or good karma on Fumino’s part) it all works out somehow, thanks to one of the hairstyles Sawako mentioned being the same one Uruka has. Nariyuki follows the text and declares Uruka cute, and Uruka gets him to repeat that comment over and over. Ice broken!

Nariyuki attends Uruka’s swimming tournament, in which she wins the 200m free, but loses in the relay when a kohai has a false start. Nariyuki tries to cheer Uruka up afterwards, and ends up with more evidence for why Uruka would be such a good choice for a partner.

Uruka doesn’t pretend either to her kohai or to Nariyuki that it’s not a big deal to have lost, and that she doesn’t want to cry her eyes out about it. But, and this is key, if that kohai learned a lesson she can carry forward and succeed later in her career, their loss won’t have been in vain. That’s Uruka for you: an ace and a team player, through and through.

Uruka even shows signs of boosted confidence when she invites Nariyuki to hang out with her that night. She takes him to their old middle school, where “it all began,” with “it” being their friendship and her feelings for him. Those years ago, when she was ready to quit out of frustration for losing, he encouraged her to stick with it. To be as serious about something as she was about swimming was something rare and precious to him.

All this increasingly non-vague talk about their history together leads Nariyuki to ask her if she ever managed to confess to the “guy she likes”, still—and perhaps perpetually—unaware it’s him. Uruka really shot herself in the foot by lying about it not being him, since now he can offer, without a hint of awkwardness, to be the one she confesses her feelings to as a “dry run”.

But because Nariyuki’s words, out of context, sound like he’s urging her to tell him the truth, a flustered Uruka comes right out and does just that. She well and truly confesses that she likes Nariyuki, a lot, and always has. Too bad then that her previous lie dooms his ability to take her seriously. He thinks she’s practicing on him.

Rather than clear this up by saying something like “no, actually you are the guy I like and there truly isn’t another person”—admittedly out-of-character—she tosses Nariyuki into the drink. He takes her arm and drags her in too. When he protests, calling her Takemoto, she gets him to say her first name Uruka again, and is all better again.

With other characters with routes to wrap up, this may have been Uruka’s last chance. But I do think she’s being more honest than anything else when she told Fumino she just wants things to be good with Nariyuki…and for him to occasionally note her cuteness. So while, like me, Uruka may be a fool when it comes to settling for less than total victory, as long as she’s happy, that’s what matters. I just hope she keeps trying, because I won’t stop rooting!

By: sesameacrylic

[cosmosogler]

time to try to sum up a full internal day again!

i woke up on time enough. the brutal reminder that it is, in fact, “shark week” got me interested in being awake and not having those Very Special dreams.

those are euphemisms. i would be more specific but i don’t like talking about it at all. but i needed to bring it up because “shark week” becomes important later.

anyway i went through my normal daily routine, except- get this- i tried using that cat smell spray that the vet pawned off on me for 20 dollars, and snoopy didn’t poop on the couch! she went in her litter box!!! that put me in a good mood right away.

while waiting for the bus i complained to myself about my pokemon game and the rng. i’ve found that i am very good at listening to complaints from myself. the complaints did consume me by the end of the day but this morning i was sort of amusing myself with it.

the first class was really rough... i’m not a fan of that professor at all. he doesn’t, like... relate the topics he talks about in one lecture, so all these numbers and letters are kind of floating in a void that i have no context for. he MUST know that “k” is a variable AND a constant used across multiple fields in physics and i don’t know which one he’s referring to when he just says “k,” right??? and he doesn’t define any terms and then starts writing down equations that he doesn’t use any actual words for. i was frantically scribbling down every mark he made on the blackboard hoping that if i went over it all at once later it might magically make sense.

he also went 7 minutes over. i was vibrating in my seat. when he finally put down his notes i ran out to the bathroom. i was only there for two minutes, but when i got back to the classroom the next professor was in and started lecturing before i could even get to my seat. 

he started the lecture 6 minutes early. so the 15 minute break between classes had become a 2 minute break. and he started being really passive aggressive to students who came in 3 minutes before class was supposed to start and interrupted his lecture. i was angry. but i took notes anyway. quantum lectures are the easiest for me to understand in general.

i mean, quantum the subject and quantum the math are insanely difficult and i don’t think anyone really understands it. but quantum lectures i can follow.

so his class also ended late, so i guess to this guy “50 minutes” means “start and end whenever you want.” i feel like... as a grad student we’re supposed to handle that kind of abuse but it still didn’t feel good. it felt bad. i was gonna explode. it took me a minute to figure out why i was wiggling all over the place.

i guess it feels like i am fundamentally at odds with the “physics grad lifestyle” so to speak. i am putting so much effort into taking care of myself and pacing myself and staying on a schedule, and these guys just plow right through our breaks! i know i can’t focus for more than 75 minutes tops and they want me to go for 120 minutes with basically no breaks? how am i supposed to get all this nervous energy out??

i didn’t have enough time for a full lunch break before my appointment with the counseling center so i caught the bus over there. the therapist was around and i was early so we just started early. she did a general biography thing and asked some questions for the psychiatrist i’ll be seeing and some questions for the group therapy counselor. we talked about some insurance options. i think i might stick with the group therapy... going off campus is such a huge hassle and there’s no guarantee that the therapist i get is even going to be any good since my insurance seems to prefer, kind of, assholes? not always, but enough of the time. anyway i got an appointment with the group therapist to get checked out on wednesday.

the weather was strange. it was like being spritzed with a giant mister, except it never stopped spritzing. i could tell i was getting wet standing outside, but it wasn’t enough water to actually get wet with. 

the bus driver didn’t stop when i pulled the stop thing so i had to backtrack to get back to the physics building. my ankle still hurt so i was kind of unhappy about that. i mostly finished my lunch (didn’t have enough of an appetite for all of it) and crammed in a full study session. 

i didn’t do any homework... 

third period was ok. the lecturer is pretty good and he does a good job of giving the class a coherent narrative, but i cannot read his board work. his handwriting is really bad, but i could deal with it if it was just that. he also does not write top to bottom. he writes in random groups and will go back and change things and then move on with his previous topic. it was ok at first, but eventually he made a correction while i was looking at my notebook trying to write and when i looked up he had moved away from the equation he’d corrected and moved on. i couldn’t figure out what he’d changed and by then i’d fallen behind and he had moved away from what he was working on again so i had to search the entire board for the new work. you would think that’s not hard, but his handwriting is so bad that if he uses a term i’m not familiar with, even if he spells it out i don’t know what he said...

after class i asked suzanne what i should do about it, like, how to get him to write in the right order. taylor jumped into our conversation to explain to me the professor’s board writing pattern and how it is out of order. 

i got kind of snappy. i said “yeah, i was there, i saw the board, thanks.” he didn’t say anything after that for the rest of the conversation. he was wearing a shirt with an ugly dude saying “m’lady” and tipping his fedora. i couldn’t tell if it was ironic or not. not sure if i like the kind of dudebro who does that ironically either anyway.

i mean, i feel that at no point was i irrationally angry. i just had 200% less tolerance for people wasting my time.

i talked to the professor and asked if he could write on the board from the top down and made a hand motion. and he agreed to slow down. which is not what i asked for, but ok, whatever. 

at that point i didn’t have enough time for a full study session so i hung out in the lounge and sort of nibbled on my quantum notes while suzanne and jennica played ping-pong. at 5:00 i went out to the lobby and tried to look for the graduate mentor i had arranged to meet up with. i think... at the grad meeting last thursday, the department had used the wrong photo for the woman i was corresponding with. i noticed a strange woman i hadn’t seen before really staring at me while i was waiting in the lobby. i kind of frowned at her and then she asked if i was samantha so that was awkward. 

i’d forgotten her name but was too angry with myself to ask.

ok, about before. i understand where taylor was coming from, sort of, in a very misguided sort of way. i think when i asked “how can i ask the professor to write in a more logical way” he took that as “i don’t understand how the professor is writing” so he thought explaining it to me would make me understand and retrospectively have perfect notes.

i talked to elisa for a good long while about mostly physics stuff. she’d been abroad for the summer in south korea but originally was from italy. i was super tired, i think i burned myself out from being irritable all day. i seemed to be unable to articulate my real question in a way that would get a response in the vein i was looking for. 

i guess... my real worry was “how to i make sure i stay on this long-term schedule?” but it was coming out as questions like “so i need to be working for a professor by february?” they are similar questions, but not the same one. i guess i was looking for some kind of reassurance. elisa recommended the opposite of what i wanted. she suggested i go into random professors’ offices and ask what they’re doing. 

maybe what i really wanted was an excuse to not have to be creative or brave.

after we finished our drinks (i had juice) she seemed to have forgotten that she’d offered to drive me home so i walked over to the bus station. the bus schedule lied to me. one bus route runs after 5:30 until 6:40 or so. one single bus route. luckily i only had to wait like five minutes and i caught the last bus off campus.

when i got home i only had time to drop off my stuff and clean my lunchbox before the “milk and cookies” social event for the apartment started. but when i got down to the lobby there was no one there and the lights were off. i was really frustrated. an indian woman and her son showed up and started poking around the doors. after i checked the rec room and didn’t find any milk or cookies there i talked to them for a little bit. we went in the rec room and found some students playing a killer billiards game but they said they had gone looking for the social event an hour ago and hadn’t found anything. 

then when we got back to the lobby there were three more people standing around awkwardly. the woman went to look for the staff member she knew. when she came back she told us that the office guy had said that the event had started an hour and a half ago and was scheduled to end at 7. we were all really confused. one girl pulled out her phone and opened up the image of the event calendar which clearly said “starts at 7 in the lobby.” but we cleared out. i was pretty bummed.

i didn’t realize the two girls from the lobby were the same girls from the yoga session that the instructor hadn’t shown up for until they started sort of laughing and looking at me knowingly. 

when i went back up to my room i made butternut squash ravioli. it was GOOD.

then i didn’t get anything done at all all evening!!! not a thing!!!! i wasted my own time!!!!!

so now the homework is due wednesday AND i haven’t started the homework AND i haven’t done the class reading AND i haven’t finished studying my old notes. 

i guess mostly i just wanted to sleep all evening, but i didn’t because it wasn’t time for bed yet. but now it’s past time for bed because i’ve been complaining for 45 minutes straight. 

snoopy has parasites too. the vet called me with the results she said she’d have saturday “pretty quick,” which i could have picked up the prescription while i was waiting at the bus stop for an hour... now i have to go back again next saturday to pick up some pills. i don’t know how i’m going to get snoop to eat them. and that’s another ~2 hours out of my saturday.

i’m really super irritable today. it hasn’t gotten any better even though i’ve been lounging around all evening. tomorrow i gotta teach my first class at 9:30, and i’ll be at school until 8 because the professor decided to move our mandatory “extra two class periods” back to start at 6 because he’s insane and thinks we don’t need to eat dinner i guess.

my lunch box isn’t really big enough to pack lunch AND dinner. whatever...

i just don’t understand why, in order to do physics, you have to choose physics or health. it’s not hard to do both. or it doesn’t have to be. i’m trying so hard to do all the things you’re supposed to do to manage depression and they’re just not letting me.

[perpetually-jungshook]

Goldilocks || 05

SURPRISE, SURPRISE TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY, HAPPY 600~

Rated T (language and suggestive themes)

Summary: After getting evicted, your two best friends Jimin and Taehyung offer you a place to stay until you get back on your feet. Needless to say, with a part time job and a mountain of student debt, that’s not happening any time soon. Eventually, they DO become really fond of having you around, helping with chores and even splitting rent. So when you come home one day to find someone has been sleeping in your couch-bed, well… it’s something you won’t take lightly.

Word Count: 3.4k

Out of context Goldilocks quote: “What the hell do you want now? Need me to wash your underwear for you too?”

Links to: Goldilocks Masterlist || Previous || Next Part

not my gif, credit to owner

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With your manager giving you hardly any hours at work, it was no mystery why you were eventually evicted from your old apartment. How could you keep up with the ridiculous rent prices? It was a question your landlord apparently had the answer to while you… didn’t.

Still, even if you were chronically late you always paid. That was one of the few things you could take pride in. Because of this, even after she kicked you out four months ago, you were determined to not owe that nasty lady anything.

You stare at the envelope in your hand, stained slightly at the corner with what’s hopefully coffee. This is it, the last one. You’d gotten paid earlier in the morning via a direct deposit and as soon as you stick this in the mailbox, you won’t have any more ghosts from your old life chasing you. At least, that’s what you hope.

Shoving the envelope in the slot, you step away quickly and don’t look back.

Now all you have to do is worry about your student debt… yeah, okay, that specter will hang around for a while, but not in the same way the old apartment would.

You hop back into the car and buckle your seatbelt with a long exhale.

“How do you feel?” Jimin asks from the driver’s side, giving you an encouraging smile.

“Great,” you admit, letting out a laugh to relieve the last of the tension that had been slowly settling in your bones for the past few months, but had mostly evaporated instantaneously when the payment left your hand. “Thanks for driving.”

“No problem, ____,” Jimin gives your thigh a pat before pulling back into traffic. “But I did it for kind of… selfish reasons. I’m taking you to get smoothies.”

“Man, if smoothies are selfish I can’t wait to find out what ‘generous’ means to you.”

His smile falters for only a second, “Yeah…”

Twenty minutes later, you find yourself sitting next to Jimin on a park bench. Thankfully, the rain had stopped sometime in the night, but it had left everything a little damp.

Including the bench.

“Maybe smoothies weren’t the best idea,” Jimin shivers, but the humor is clear in his voice.

“Too late,” you take a long sip, enjoying the cold. “You paid and I’ve already drank half. Wait. Drank or drunk?”

“Drank. Wait…”

“I know right?”

You share a laugh, though his seems more forced. Clearly, Jimin had something to tell you. He didn’t drag you out of the apartment on your one day off this week so you could shiver and drink smoothies, but you weren’t about to force it out of him. Instead, you’d simply talk until he was comfortable which, knowing Jimin, might take a while.

He hums thoughtfully, then says, “Yeah, drank.”

“Okay, I’ve already drank half. So unless you want me vomit it back into this cup-”

“____, I’m gay.”

That was fast.

You purse your lips as you let out a small, “Ah.”

Silence.

Jimin slides forward to sit on the edge of the bench, raking his fingers through his hair, gaze darting rapidly between his shoes and you. His voice goes up a few notes in pitch, “I tell you the biggest secret of my life- something I’ve been keeping to myself for ten years… You’re the first person I say this to and all I get is an ‘ah?’”

You can’t tell if he’s upset, frustrated, or still nervous. Maybe a mix of the three. He probably thinks you’re too busy judging him to form a coherent response.

But in reality, you’re just deciding whether or not to tell him that you’ve suspected it for a while. But ever since discovering the dildo and gay porn magazines in his underwear drawer, you’ve pretty much known. It wasn’t the “gay” thing that subsequently made it difficult to make eye contact for the next week- but the fact that every time you saw Jimin’s face, all you could think about was what he might look like while shoving that monster of a dildo repeatedly into his clenching entrance, lube dripping down his toned thighs while his free hand- yeah that’s enough of that train of thought.

The only thing you want to ask him is why magazines? Wouldn’t it just be easier to clear internet history? Sadly, even you know that’s a little inappropriate right now. So you opt for the first thing that will come out of your mouth.

“Look, Chim, I’m glad you feel safe telling me.”

Seems like a good start.

“But…?” he prompts, wincing.

“No buts,” you assure with a smile and a playful nudge to his arm. “You’re twenty three, not living with your parents, and can do whatever the hell you want. I’m here for you. One hundred percent. Unless you start smoking. That crap stinks and I’d rather be a hobo than smell it all the time.”

Jimin laughs, clearly relieved, and wraps you in a tight hug, “Thanks for being so cool about it.”

Instead of returning the embrace, you ruffle his hair and shove him away, “None of this sappy shit either.”

“C’mon, you’re a girl. You’re supposed to love this kind of stuff.”

“Park Jimin, are you generalizing my preferences based on my gender?”

“Yes.”

You press your hand to your chest, feigning shock, “Scandalous.”

A wicked smile spreads across his lips as he sings, “You wanna give me a hug.”

“You’re putting words in my mouth,” you sing right back.

“____ wants to give her little Chiminnie a hug,” he slowly shimmies closer.

“Yeah, okay. Fine.”

He wraps you in his arms, hair tickling your cheek, a happy hum in his throat. It takes a few seconds, but you eventually give in completely, returning the embrace. You’d never tell him, but you love hugging Jimin. Not only does he look like someone who’s pleasant to cuddle with in general, but he always manages to faintly smell like freshly ground coffee.

“You kind of scared me for a second,” you say, giving his back a soft rub even if he’d barely be able to feel it through the multiple layers of jackets. “I thought you were going to tell me that stupid kid is staying for longer than this weekend.”

Jimin’s grip suddenly gets tighter, causing you to instinctively try to pull away. He doesn’t let you. A low, guilty laugh leaves his throat as he replies, “Ha, right. I… wouldn’t do that.”

“Chim.”

“What?”

All feelings of companionship and bonding bleed away at the thought of Jungkook staying in the apartment. A weekend? You could pretend to be nice. For anything longer? There would obviously be more problems than a spilled bucket of water.

And then something dawns on you.

“Do you like him?”

Jimin stiffens and this time he tries to move away. You quickly rewrap your arms around his neck, making him drag your body sideways.

“Chim, answer the question,” you assert through your teeth as he desperately begins pulling at your elbows.

“I honestly think it’s best I don’t…”

You make sure your lips are directly next to his ear before you threaten, “I will lick ten of the pencils in your desk.”

His voice adopts a genuine tone of dread, “But how will I know which ones?”

“Exactly.”

Jimin sags in defeat, “Yes, okay? I kind of… maybe… like-”

“Don’t you dare say his name,” the words leave your lips before you even know you want to speak them. Is he Voldemort?

“Well what do you want me to call him? Jinglekook?” Jimin’s response is obviously meant to be funny, but you must admit… at least the new name doesn’t make you want to rip someone’s head off.

You finally release your death grip on Jimin’s neck, “I think it suits him nicely.”

Your friend rolls his eyes, “Fine. I like Jinglekook.”

Trying not to throw up on reflex, you grimace, “Why? He’s awful.”

“Because Jung… Jinglekook is thoughtful, strong, helpful,” as Jimin speaks, his eyes shine with the telltale sparkle of rose-tint. “And you have to admit he’s hot.”

You would admit nothing of the sort.

“He’s also arrogant, stubborn, and stealing my couch.”

Jimin giggles, a sound that takes you by surprise because it’s usually only something Taehyung does. He jabs a finger softly into your shoulder, “Yknow, I’ve never seen you get this passionate about anything.”

“Don’t get used to it,” you pull away, taking a purposefully long sip of your smoothie which you somehow managed to not spill. He looks like he wants to say something else, but you decide you’ve talked about the little shit enough for now. You swallow quickly and ask, “So have you told Tae yet?”

“Told him what?”

“That you have a thing for burritos and not tacos.”

“What does Mexican food have to do with…? Oh… no not yet.”

“So that means you and Tae haven’t…?” you trail off. Jimin’s eyebrows knit in confusion until you clear your throat suggestively and add, “I mean, you guys are housemates and spend a lot of time together.”

His cheeks dust a vibrant pink, “No! No, he’s not my type.”

“Huh? But he’s everyone’s type,” the comment is only half serious.

“Not mine,” Jimin scratches the back of his neck with an embarrassed smile. “I mean, sure. Tae and I have jerked off together a few times-”

“That’s way too much information.”

He continues talking right over you, “But we haven’t touched each other.”

And there it is, the next image that’ll be stuck in your head for a week.

You fight the urge to clamp your thighs together while simultaneously wanting to vomit. Couldn’t your body at least pick a reaction and stick to it? You distract yourself by asking, “Okay but are you planning on telling him? Or do I have to keep this a secret?”

“I was going to tell him tonight actually. But back up to that ‘Tae is everyone’s type.’ Were you projecting?” Jimin’s question has this odd sort of suggestive tone that you don’t quite understand.

“Projecting?”

He nods, wiping a small drop of water off of his cheek, “Yknow, asking if me and Tae… because you and Tae…”

“What?”

As the pavement around you slowly begins growing darker with the next round of rain, you can’t help but gape at your friend. The dream. He couldn’t know. You hadn’t told anyone.

Jimin shrugs, “Never mind. I thought I heard you moan his name last night. But maybe I’m just going crazy.”

Then you remember. You did moan his name. But out loud? What’s worse is, if Jimin heard next door, it’s highly likely Jungkook heard too. And you don’t even want to think about Taehyung, who had been in the room with you.

“Totally just you going crazy, Chim,” you say, laughing a little too loud.

With the storm rolling in, both of you decide to head back to the apartment, suddenly, silently agreeing to dodge all serious topics. You complain about the crack in the ceiling and Jimin grumbles about his newest coworker. The casual conversation does a great job at keeping away thoughts of Jimin and Taehyung sitting on the couch, laptop open, both flies undone, legs spread as they-

“I need to study,” you announce as soon as you’re in the apartment, trying to dispel the naughty images from your mind. It’s not a lie though. You have an essay to bullshit your way through.

Despite having closed the window that Jimin left open, the chill bites at the tip of your nose and cheeks. You would’ve thought he’d be afraid of the rain getting in, but there are some things he just doesn’t think about. So now you’re bundled under his blankets, using his laptop to write your essay because you aren’t fortunate enough to be able to replace your old one after accidentally dropping it.

You might have used Tae’s, but after last night, you’re kind of avoiding his room. That, and you’re a little afraid of what you’ll find on it. The last thing you need is to think about what kind of kinky shit he’ll have sitting casually on his desktop.

“This message also reflects in the aforementioned plays, but in a way that ultimately may cause the reader to question the integrity of Socrates’s claim.”

Integrity? Is that the right word? You drag the cursor over it, searching for a definition. Honesty? That’s not what you want. But it also mentions “quality,” which is good. You guess.

A knock on the door pulls your concentration away from Jimin’s laptop and the document that barely has a single paragraph written.

“What?” you ask, not looking away from the troublesome word.

“Noona, what setting should I use on the dryer for the towels?” Jungkook’s voice permeates through the door, a sound that turns your stare into a hard glare.

“How am I supposed to know?”

“You’ve used it more than me?” there’s a tinge of exasperation in his voice.

You want to tell him to shove the towels up his ass- because if he hadn’t made you spill the bucket of water last night, this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. But of course with the new information that this is the douchebag Jimin is crushing on, you feel obligated to at least keep up the premise of civility.

“For anything without fabric softener, I always use medium heat. Air dry makes them feel crusty.”

“Wait… I wasn’t supposed to use fabric softener?”

You want to slam your face against the computer screen, but instead you set the laptop aside, get off of the bed, and walk to the door, opening it.

“Every other wash to keep the towels absorbent,” you keep your voice steady despite the hot flash of anger that floods through your veins as soon as you see his wide eyes, pursed lips, and stupid golden hair that’s now sticking up in ridiculous, sleep induced directions.

Kid can’t even comb his bedhead? It’s two o-freaking-clock in the afternoon.

“Ah, I didn’t know that,” he gives you a small smile that settles unpleasantly in the pit of your stomach for reasons you can’t understand.

It was an honest mistake. You shouldn’t be mad.

Key would: shouldn’t.

“Well now you do,” you somehow muster a smile to shoot back at him, even if it’s a tad derisive.

“Alright thanks,” he nods awkwardly, then spins on his heel and walks back down the hall.

Taking in a calming breath, you close the door and plop back on Jimin’s bed.

Integrity. Right…

Another knock.

“What?” it’s harder to keep the blatant annoyance out of your tone this time.

“I forgot to ask what we’re planning on doing for dinner.”

You glare at the door like he can see your expression through it, “How am I supposed to know?”

“You’re the responsible one, aren’t you?”

Yes and no.

Running your fingers through your hair, you take another deep breath, “I can’t cook for shit and Tae only hoards snacks so Jimin does the food related stuff, but he won’t be home for another few hours. You want something? You make it.”

“Alright,” is Jungkook’s muffled reply.

You roll your eyes, settling back down to scrutinize your thesis.

Integrity will just have to work for now. After all, it’s a first draft. But “may cause the reader?” Is that too passive-?

Another knock.

You slam the laptop shut, jumping to your feet and throwing open the door again. This time, you make no effort to hide the irritation in your voice, “What the hell do you want now? Need me to wash your underwear for you too?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows knit, upper lip pulling back, “No? I was going to make jajangmyeon and I came over here to ask if you wanted any, but never mind.”

Shame runs like ice water down your spine and for a second, you think he’s mad enough to leave but for some reason, even after his dismissive comment, the golden haired boy doesn’t move. His gaze continues to steadily hold yours. He’s expecting something. An apology?

Jungkook has done nothing to deserve this. After spilling beer all over you, he’s literally done nothing. And yet here you are, yelling at him. For what? Interrupting an essay for a class you’ve resigned to passing by a hair’s width anyway?

Besides that, he’s made inappropriate comments and been as pliable as a diamond (i.e. not flexible), but Taehyung says rude things all the time and Jimin is stubborn as well. Why is it only annoying when Jungkook does it?

Maybe Jimin was right. Maybe it’s time you actually stop being so petty. And jajangmyeon sounds pretty good…

“Okay,” you take a deep breath, leaning against the doorframe as you cross your arms. “I’m sorry I snapped. I’m just a little stressed out because-”

“Oh how cute. You think I want an apology,” he scoffs, cutting you off, head tilting.

His words slice straight through your gut. Derisive, arrogant little shit.

“Listen, I’m trying to be a good person. If we’re going to be living in the same-”

“Good person?” Jungkook cuts you off again, this time with a humorless laugh. “You’re the one who’s been an asshole to me. Ever since I got here. Glaring, threatening, pushing me around. Even when I’m trying to help you.”

Embarrassment floods through your veins, but by now you’re a master at denial and converting it to anger.

He continues, “One little apology isn’t going to fix this.”

You’re tempted to slap him. “What do you want? For me to suck your fucking dick?”

Jungkook lets out a belittling laugh, “Like you’d know how.”

And then you realize why you’re always mad at him, why he is so “unexplainably” irritating. He’s baiting you, provoking you, probing for a reaction.

Why? You’re not sure, but like hell you’ll give him what he wants.

“I guess that’s something you’ll never find out,” with a deep breath, you manage to gather your composure and give him a faux sympathetic smile. “Now, I’ve got an essay to do, so run along, little boy.”

Seeing that the argument had lost its heat, Jungkook looks like he’s about to do exactly that- leave, but then those words come out of your mouth. Little boy. And he freezes.

Coming home straight from the park, Jimin had left the house a few minutes after dropping you off. Apparently, his boss called him in last minute for a shift. Meanwhile, Taehyung had been out all day, “running errands,” but because Jimin did most of the grocery shopping and you bought the other household essentials, you have no idea what he’s doing.

Whatever the case, you’re alone with Jungkook and no one would know for a good few hours if he murdered you.

A small smirk tugs at the corners of his lips as the wall of muscle suddenly takes a step forward, emphasizing the height he has over you.

“Little boy, noona?” he asks slowly, carefully, tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip, a lock of golden hair falling in front of his left eye. Jungkook’s dark gaze seems to send needles straight to your retinas. You feel naked in front of him, despite several layers of clothes. Not vulnerable so much as helpless. Hot wrath floods straight to the bottom of your stomach.

Unable to trust the stability of your legs, you have no choice but to stand your ground lest your knees buckle. You want to shout at him, but you also know that if you do, Jinglekook will know he’s getting under your skin.

“Yes. Little boy, Kookie,” you retort and close the door on his face. The “thump” is proof enough.

You’re not sure whether that could be classified as a “win.” Sure, you’d gotten the last word, but what the hell is going on inside your stomach? The image of Jungkook’s smirk burns into your memory, the flash of his tongue against his lips. Heat, tightness, frustration. You must have eaten something bad.

The smoothie.

It’s raining, you’re wet, you drank an icy beverage, the window was left open, and maybe your body had enough. Yes, that has to be it. Jimin’s room?

Too cold.

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EOPQ 13: What do you imagine Jimin and Tae look like?? Like what era?

Send me your thoughts/answers here. Or just come say hi ;) Please include the End of Post Question number upon submission, thank you!

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Much love ~🐰 xx

[imyourliquor-youremypoison]

A Family We Chose For Ourselves - Review

@reivenesque

As promised, here is your essay-like review (although I usually write those as feedback for an entire fanfiction and not chapter by chapter so it might not be as long as I sometimes make them) just for you:) This has no particular order, I write everything take comes to mind at this very early hour of the day, excuse my foggy brain. I put it under the ‘read more’ because it’s long af.

I think I haven't told you yet that I love that all your chapters start with variations of the same sentences, it give rhythm to the chapters and helps throw the reader back in context (since there's sometimes a long wait between chapters) (which is not a complaint) (it's a fact and we're all willing to wait because Quality)

It's a good choice to have the whole part where Erik tells the story of what happened written in third person, and halfway through I thought 'damn I should do that sometime' because it gives you an opportunity to slide in a few of his very own impressions and not just the factual story-telling of the events. AND it prevents you from writing a monologue too because it was a long story. If it was direct speech we would have lost the best part, the most intense which is when he finally finds Chris and he's completely beside himself during the entire thing and doesn't process anything he's doing like calling the ambulance and pumping the thing that helps Chris breathe. I loved that part, it was horrible to read but very pleasing because so beautifully written.

Speaking of horrible to read, halfway through Erik's story I was laying in my bed, completely tense and I'm sure I was seconds away from having a vein in my eye pop. Then I remembered that I already knew Chris was going to make it and that I should probably chill, but the way you write captures the reader's attention and hooks us in a way that makes that impossible – also, I'm not a chill person and I live in constant denial of everything. While I was reading there was the little voice of reason in the back of my head that told me 'breathe Alyssa, he survives', but then there was the other voice that whispered 'but what if hE DOESN'T ???'. It's the same story whenever I re-watch Titanic, like voice #1 says 'Why are yOu DoInG ThiS TO youRself they DIE !' and voice #2 goes 'but WHAT IF they don't'. I swear I have a shoulder angel and a shoulder devil.

You wrote this chapter so tense that I can only think of one thing to describe how I felt while reading it, and it's a French expression I've yet to find an English translation of, so I'll explain it. It's « avoir le cœur au bord des lèvres ». Literally it means 'to have one's heart at the edge of one's lips' (I know, doesn't make any sense). It's an image, it means that the only thing standing between the person's heart (emotions) are the sealed lips. You know when you're trying really hard to hold it together so you stop moving and talking because you know that if you try to open your mouth to say something thee tears will spill over and you'll merely muster up ugly sobs and not any coherent sentences ? That's the feeling. People mostly use it to describe a feeling of disgust but it's also caused by great fear/anxiety. It's accompanied by the knot in the throat and a dry mouth. If you know an English expression for this, please let me know, I've been looking for ages without any success.

But I'm rambling now. ANYWAY that's how you made me feel, I was thinking variations of 'omg oH MY GOD, ooooh myy goood' all the while reading, and one hour into it I began to panic a little because I knew I was reaching the end but it wasn't getting any better !! My poor Chris ! Suffering !  And Erik's part in the chapter was a great addition, it was 100% necessary and beautifully written (and painful). Just like the fact that it's a slow burn. I love slow burns at least as much as I hate them tbh. There's beautifully painful and painfully beautiful but only when they are well written. It's one of those kind of fanfictions that are difficult to master because you have to know what you're doing, summon all your talent and skilfully put your writing abilities to good use and create a sort of suspense that slowly kills your reader without having them complain about it.

[I've been writing this for half an hour now]

I don't know - but I'm guessing it is – if you're purposely writing 'Eva thinks that...' to create a distance between her and the reader, as if to emphasize her state of being ever since she received William' fateful phone call. If you do, it's awesome, like impossibly so, and you're a genius. If you don't then now you kno what impression it gives to the reader and it's accidental artisitic genius. Morale of the story : you're a genius.

Now I reeaaaalllyyyy (I can't stress this word more than this) want to know when and why in the hell William had to do this before for Chris (the whole taking care of the paper work) and I NEED TO KNOW. Matter of life and death, it's a question of survival, my mental stability is at stake !! And since Eva wants to know too I expect we'll get this information at some point during the fanfiction – this is the my only solace.

I never related more to William, I'd be beside myself too if I had to watch Chris suffer first hand, and at some point I wondered how the hell Eva was holding it together, because when I'm as stress and on edge as she's been since chapter one, it doesn't take much for me to let the tears flow freely. It doesn't matter if I successfully held back my tears for hours, if I see someone cry (like Erik did), all my efforts are reduced to dust and I become an ugly mess shaken by sobs. So kudos for Eva, because she's stronger than me and probably than most people.

Now the part about the Yakuza guys coming to the hospital wit a white flag was on point. There was only one thing that got me a little confused, it's this part :

“You were caught on CCTV attacking him and you want to say that you had nothing to do with it? You almost fucking killed him!” William raises his voice just an octave but his words are booming.

The guy swallows almost nervously when the crowd of Penetrators converge closer and closer around them.

“No—Look, that’s not what I mean. I know what’s on the footage they captured, and I know members of our group were involved and I’ll take full responsibility for what happened, but this isn’t on the Yakuza. If you want revenge for this then you can take it out on me, I’ll take whatever punishment you dish out.”

First Johan claims the Yakuza have nothing to do with what happened to Chris and then he says they were involved ?? After reading it a second time I figured it must mean something like the culprit has a link with the Yakuza but is not an actual member (so maybe a former member ??? turns out I was right). So it's not very clear, and once again, this might be on purpose but if it's not I thought I should tell you about this.

You know this review is a lot longer than I expected when I started typing, I hope you didn't fall asleep half-way through.

The lack of Chris/Eva frustrates me a little but what frustrates me most is that I cannot possibly find anything to complain about because your writing is PERFECT and I enjoy reading every last bit of your story even if it makes me suffer.

How much research have you put into this ?? All the medical stuff about the fever and chest congestion, the breathing help and intubation... did you make it up or do you do the same as me and grab a friend who's a medical student to ask them questions ? It adds a great deal of realism (and a great deal of pain for Chris and the reader) which is more than welcome, especially when you see how little thought and/or research some people put into their own work. It's refreshing and I'm not surprised at all to see that you care so much about details, it fits you to be so meticulous.

The last thing I wanted to say is this : you brought a solution to the problem real quick. If the guy who stabbed Chris has been turned in to the police already, and the Penetrators made peace (sorta) with the Yakuza, then what will the rest of the story be about ? What new heartbreaking misfortune will befall upon the characters (and us) ??? DO YOU PLAN TO HURT THEM MORE ??? I can deal with almost anything as long as there's the promise of a happy outcome waiting at the end of the road.

RANT OVER

[careergrowthblog]

Vietnam, Ali, reading and the powerful knowledge gap.

In a recent lesson observation, I witnessed a classic teacher-dilemma unfold.   How far do I have to go to fill in the knowledge gaps? I can’t teach them everything they don’t know so where do I begin?

It was in a GCSE English resit class where students were looking at a reading comprehension question.  Here’s part of the passage: 

The student next to me was Saira, 16.  She’d not managed to gain a GCSE grade 4 in English at school so here she was again, having another go.

Immediately she struggled with the first question – a simple true/false evaluation of various statements:

Mohammed Ali gave up his champion’s title rather than serve in Vietnam.

The relevant line in the passage is:  {Mohammed Ali} achieved global fame… – even forfeiting his champion’s title rather than serve in Vietnam.

On the face of it, this is one of those context-free questions, a fluent reader could answer.

It could say.  James  gave up his bibbles rather than bobble in Babble.  We could focus on forfeit = ‘give up’ and get the answer right and move on without knowing anything about Mohammed Ali or Vietnam.

But that didn’t happen for Saira. She didn’t know what to do, so I asked her to read the bit of the passage.  She said all the words correctly until she stumbled… “rather than serve in….veetman?” She looked confused.  “Is it about food?”

Think about that for a minute. Contemplate the enormity of the knowledge gap we’re dealing with.

Saira didn’t recognise the capitalised V hinted at the word being a place – to focus her thinking;  she hadn’t read Vietnam every time the word came up.  Maybe ‘serve’ and its links to food lead her mind astray.  But either way, she was flummoxed.

When corrected, she didn’t actually know Vietnam was a country, never mind where it was. Never mind that ‘Vietnam’ is about as packed with significance as one word can be:

Cold war; conflict; human rights atrocities; massive nation-scarring on all sides; napalm bombing rural villages;  deep imprint on the American psyche; a US foreign policy disaster; Western imperialism vs Communism; the Viet-Cong vs the might of the US army; Nixon; Kissinger; ‘vets’; post-traumatic stress; Apocalypse Now; Platoon, MASH.

Saira has none of that.

Mohammed Ali?  Nope. Ok – so he’s a famous boxer. A sportsman. But, for Saira, no recognition of Ali as The Greatest All Time Icon of Sport; the maverick, charismatic legend; the man who became a Muslim; the man who was Cassius Clay; the man who fought the Rumble in the Jungle and the Thriller in Manilla and whose courage in the face of Parkinson’s, could move you to tears.

Hence “is it about food? ” A stab in the dark; a deep, dark knowledge chasm.  Having given Saira a potted version of Ali and Vietnam, I was about to get into the meaning of ‘forfeit’ when another student piped up.  He’d just clocked the whole issue of Ali giving up his title. He was agitated.  It was unjust.  He shouldn’t have had to.  This boy had grasped enough to get the picture and we wanted to explore it.

“Why did they make him do that?”

Here’s where the teacher’s dilemma kicked in.  She had a paper to get through; she wanted to look at ‘forfeit’ and some language features used in the text.  Sensing the time pressure – her response was pained but pragmatic: “Sorry, we don’t really have time��.  I guess, after all, when would Ali and Vietnam ever come up again on a GCSE paper?

But that made me feel sad; frustrated.  Given all the knowledge gaps at work there, what was the most important:

Vietnam? Mohammed Ali? Forfeit = give up?

To me, it was clear. This was an opportunity to down tools; push the exam paper aside  and say, let’s take a trip.  Vietnam…. let me tell you some things you ought to know.  Right there and then.  Sure, it might not be a GCSE language concept again but, in the grand scheme of things, it’s an area of powerful knowledge that Saira won’t be taught anywhere else. That was the moment right there; in that lesson; right then.

This is what we face as teachers: the enormous choice of what to teach and when.  But we also have to respond to circumstances.  As Doug Lemov says, often a reading problem is a knowledge problem and when we spot it… that’s where we have to go.  Let’s not let exam pressure to suppress our teacherly instincts to teach what really matters – flexibly, responsively, organically as things arise – within the framework of a coherent, planned knowledge-rich curriculum.

Vietnam, Ali, reading and the powerful knowledge gap. published first on https://medium.com/@KDUUniversityCollege

[georgiadownquestionofresear-blog]

Research Methodology Lecture: Seductive Ease, Reflection and Sherlock Holmes...?

For Mikes lecture, it began with an  exercise on different types of thinkers. They were divided into three; deductive thinkers, who work based on the evidence presented in front of us - This was popularized by the popular novel series Sherlock Holmes, as the method in which he deduces his cases.

The second is inductive thinkers, this is based more loosely on  evidence, using operational ways of thinking.

The third is abductive ways of thinking. This is someone who jumps to an answer without taking the time to work it out.

To identify the ways in which we think, he gave us an exercise that presented the following question:

C(A+B).

Your answer was supposed to suggest which way of thinking was yours.

He did, however, quote that ”knowing doesn't always fall into these three areas.”

Following this exercise, he addressed the concept of declarative knowledge. To do this he used the door exercise. The door exercise featured an image of a door on the board. He asked  us what the image was. Without much hesitation, most of us responded very quickly that it was a door. We were very puzzled as to the relevance of this question  to start with, as we know what a door is, right? We see doors every day  - we know what a door looks like. It turns out that this is exactly what he was trying to prove.

As, from here, he explains some more types of knowledge. In a case of the door we could either answer it one of two ways. The first being using our declarative knowledge; this is knowing, based on a previous knowledge that this is a door. We have all seen doors. We have all used doors. As a result we had no trouble telling that this was a door. However if we used our procedural knowledge, which is an informed guess, we would have approached it from a slightly different way.

For example, we all know this was a door. What we didn't know was what this door was leading to. So we could make assumptions, based on what we could see around the door, the door itself, and the atmosphere of the imagery in front of us. We speculated anything from an office door to even heaven itself - based on the lighting.

Following on from this was the concept of inventive methodology. This requires these forms of reflective thought.

This leads to the question, ‘how to make sense of this?’

We started off by watching 2 videos. During this process, I think I became the most confused I have ever been during any University lecture I have ever had. We watched these videos several times each, and during each of these playthroughs, I felt my comprehension slowly slip away from me a little bit further. I really just could not understand. The first video we watched was entitled ‘workers paint letters on the street’. It was simple enough, featuring two road workers painting a bus stop sign on the road. The part which was confusing me, was how it connected to the topic we were talking about. I became immediately lost. That was until Mike asked us the question,‘are they dancing?’

At this point I thought either I'm an idiot, or he's completely mad. Of course they're not dancing. This is what I thought, at least. He continued to explain the complexity of how we process information, and technically, they could be considered doing so. The second video he showed us was entitled ‘perfect skatepark shenanigans’, and it featured a young man attempting to learn a skateboard trick. He failed many times, but he kept trying. Eventually,  Mike asked us; ‘ what is he doing wrong?’  at this point, I became convinced that I had accidentally walked into the wrong classroom. I am  an illustration student, I spend my time  indoors primarily, or doing something dorky, like reading comics. I have never attempted to ride a skateboard, lest I fall on my face. As such, I was perplexed with the question he had given us. How on earth was I supposed to know what he was doing wrong? In my frustration, I immediately missed that this was not the purpose of this question.

He went on to explain that repetition leads to practice, which leads to success. The alternative of working it out as you go along, was demonstrated in the action of his mistakes within the skateboarding video. I had the stereotypical lightbulb moment, and I had it with such ferocity that I think that everybody in the class probably noticed it light up above my head as well. When he played it the next time, we were looking for ques, small subtle things that would signal his slow and steady improvements. From there, we could focus in and we could improve. Now I realise that these things were actually just an analogy for our own work methodology, things started to make a lot more sense. Like the skateboarders, we're all kind of creating work, but we weren't too good at reflecting on it. Although he didn't do so verbally, the skateboarder was putting a lot of thought into how he was going wrong, why, and what he could do about it. The street workers, on the other hand, were working out of such practiced perfection, the discipline of something that had happened in the earlier years, and we were seeing the result of such hard work and reflection.

He went on to explain that this was considered tacit knowledge. Tacit knowledge being a concept of quiet, hidden or hard to explain knowledge. This is usually the type that is applied to practitioners. In other words, those street workers were perfectly displaying their example of tacit knowledge. The skateboarder, however, was showing us his journey towards his tacit knowledge.

The next time we watched the skateboarding video, we were looking for markers that signalled improvement, and not flaws. In doing this, we could see how he had reflected on the flaws that we had previously highlighted, and how he was slowly, but  certainly, achieving his goal.

Now if we can apply the same working methodology towards our research, we can slowly build-up an effective, and personal methodology, which helps us achieve the answer to the questions that we're looking for.

From there our topics became slightly more complicated. We looked at Aristotle and metaphysics, design versus labour workers. We discuss the difference between doing something that works within limited confidence, which we achieved through the art of copying, a trial and error process, and pushing through to something new, original; something that can  be identified as unique and being honest with oneself and the work you are creating.

The  concept of ease is seductive. It's more important to think about how we think. We are so focused on becoming the next Picasso, that we didn't take the time to think that the Picasso wasn't the next anybody. Picasso was Picasso. And that's why we love Picasso.

The next question, was how do I critically think about engaging in a production? And how do I think about that within the context of my journey, my project, and my arrow of Direction?

In the imagery above, I have provided a few diagrams, which explain the different methods of process to achieve our goals. Whilst none of these are wrong, per se, it is important to ask myself the question ‘have I created a structured Theory?’.  And to keep asking myself that question.  This methodology must be applied to all factors of my project processes, one thing must lead into another, everything should move together comfortably, like a well oiled machine. Individual parts should be nailed and articulated and then grouped together to make sense in a coherent manner. One of the biggest things we were encouraged to take from this session, was the notion that things look effortless for a reason. Quoting one of my favourite illustrators, artgerm,  who famously said in response to someone asking how long an illustration took him, “10 minutes or 20 years. Depending on your perspective.”

Whilst I found this session to be one of the most initially confusing, I feel like I learnt a lot from the session about how to reflect on my own methodology and processes. It also took me to put other work in context in regards to their own improvements and methods, that I had not prior to the session.

[96thdayofrage]

Race and the Right’s War on “Government Schools”

The history of private school vouchers is inseparable from white resistance to desegregation.

“These white property holders who suppressed the vote of all other citizens really did not want to pay taxes to support the education of any but their own children.”

Nancy MacLean’s Democracy in Chains: the Deep History of the Radical Right’s Stealth Plan for America [1], is one of the most buzzed-about books of the summer. But her book is also about public education, and the right’s long crusade to privatize what they call “government schools.” In the latest episode of the Have You Heard Podcast, AlterNet education editor Jennifer Berkshire talks to MacLean about why public education is in the crosshairs of the radical right, and how the history of private school vouchers, a passion of Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, is inextricably linked to efforts by Southern white elites to resist desegregation.

Jennifer Berkshire: There’s a fierce debate [2] right now about the racist history of school vouchers. But as you chronicle in Democracy in Chains, the segregationist South was really the testing ground for conservative libertarian plans for privatizing what they called “government schools.”

Nancy MacLean: This was the moment, the crucible of the modern period in which these ultra free market property supremacist ideas got their first test, and it is in the situation of the most conservative whites' reaction to Brown. What was interesting to me, in finding this story and seeing it through new eyes, is that Milton Friedman, I learned, had written his first manifesto for school vouchers in 1955 as the news was coming out of the south. That was after several years of reports on these arch segregationists, saying they were going to destroy public education and send kids off to private schools. Friedman wrote this piece, advocating school vouchers in that context. He and others who were part of this libertarian movement at the time, I was shocked to discover, really rallied in excitement over what was happening in the south. They were thrilled that southern state governments were talking about privatizing schools. They were applauding this massive resistance to the federal government and to the federal courts because they thought it would advance their agenda.

JB: The economist James McGill Buchanan, who is the subject of your book, was the architect of a plan to privatize Virginia’s schools, including selling off its school buildings and even altering the constitution to eliminate the words “public education.” He was basically making the same argument that school choice proponents continue to make today, that public schools were a “monopoly.”

NM: Two students from the economics department at the University of Chicago, James McGill Buchanan, who is my focus, and a man named Warren Nutter, who was Milton Friedman's first student, started pushing these voucher programs in the South and pushing them very opportunistically. They wanted to take away the requirement that there be public education in the constitution, which would then enable mass privatization. Friedman himself actually came down to University of North Carolina in 1957 to a conference designed to train these new arch free market economists, and he actually made schools the case in point, so he was really pushing for this in the South at the moment that it's happening.

“They did not care what would be the impact on black students of their pushing this agenda, and they capture that in saying, "Letting the chips fall where they may."

Ten days after the courts ruled that Virginia couldn't shut down schools in some localities while leaving them open in others, Buchanan and Nutter issue this report calling for, essentially using the tools of their discipline to argue that it would be fine for Virginia to privatize its schools and sell off these public resources to private providers. In other words, what they were doing is using this crisis to advance their what some people would call neo-liberal politics or ultra free market politics or breaking down the democratic state. There's many ways of describing this, but whether they were or were not consciously racist or most motivated by racism, I don't know, and it's kind of almost not relevant. The thing is, they did not care at what they could tell would be the impact on black students of their pushing this agenda, and they capture that in saying, "Letting the chips fall where they may."

JB: Much of your book centers on Virginia at mid-century, in the years leading up to and following the Supreme Court’s Brown vs. Board of Education ruling. Yet the story you tell feels so relevant to today. You argue, for example, that what we’ve long viewed as a battle over segregation was also a fight over who pays for public education.

NM: Actually, what the white leaders always said is that black residents weren't paying enough taxes to have better schools in this situation of segregation, which was, of course, a total source of frustration to the black parents, because they said, "How can we make bricks without straw? If you don't give us education, how can we get better jobs in order to pay more taxes?" I just raise that, because the way that I look at Brown and the fight over schools in this book is a little different from what we've heard over the years, in that it draws attention to the public finance aspect of racial equality in the schools, and shows how even back in the time of the cases that led up to Brown vs Board of Education, these issues of taxes were always foremost. These white property holders, these very conservative white elites in Virginia, who suppressed the vote of all other citizens, really did not want to pay taxes to support the education of any but their own children. In that sense, I think it's a really contemporary story. It has such echoes of what we're hearing now.

JB: I’m a devoted chronicler of Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who is an heiress to the right-wing libertarian vision that your book is about. One of my great frustrations is that people decided early on that DeVos is a dimwit and so they don’t challenge her ideas, where they come from or how extreme they are.

NM: I have to say I think that intellectual condescension is the Achilles heel of the left, particularly right now with the Trump administration and DeVos. There's a sense that, "Oh, these people are stupid," rather than, "No, these people are working with a completely different ethical system than the rest of us and a different philosophy, but it's a coherent one and they are pursuing their goals with very strategic, calculating tools.” That's also why the right is so focused on the teachers' unions. It’s not because they are only concerned about the quality of education and think that teachers are blocking that. First of all, this is a cause that hated public education—what they would call government schools; they don’t even want to say public education—before there were teachers' unions. We can go back and trace the lineage of that. Today, with so many industrial jobs destroyed or outsourced or automated, our main labor unions are teachers' unions, and teachers' unions are really important forces for defending liberal policy in general, things like social security and Medicare as well as defending public education. In targeting teachers' unions, they're really trying to take out their most important opponents to the plans, the kind of radical plans that they're pushing through.

JB: DeVos actually spoke to the conservative group ALEC a few weeks ago and she quoted Margaret Thatcher’s famous statement “there is no society” to make her case for a libertarian vision of education that consists of individual students and families vs schools and school systems. Universal free public education, paid for by tax dollars, is among our most “collectivist” enterprises when you think about it.

NM: They hate the idea of collectives they would call them, whether it's labor union, civil rights, women's groups, all these things they see as terrible, and any kind of government provision for people's needs. Instead, they think that ultimately, each individual, and then they sneak in the family because of course no individual could live free of being raised by a mother and parents. In their dream society, every one of us is solely responsible for ourselves and our needs, whether it's for education or it's for retirement security or it's for healthcare, just all these things, we should just do ourselves. They think it's a terrible, coercive injustice that we together over the 20th century have looked to government to do these things and have called on and persuaded government to provide things like social security or Medicare, Medicaid, or college tuition support or any of these things.

JB: Unlike some of the other causes that you just mention, the push to privatize public education has support among Democrats too. What do you make of this?

NM: Part of what’s happened with the Democrats that's very sad I think is that once the spigots of corporate finance of elections opened and Democrats are trying to stay competitive with Republicans in this, they have gone overwhelmingly to the financial sector for contributions. There are so many hedge fund billionaires who are interested in transforming the education industry because it is such a vastly huge potential source of cash, right, that could go into new, private schools. There's this whole education industry that's developed, and a lot of Democrats are really connected to that agenda. Corey Booker would be a case in point, and I'm sure you know about his work, but many other Democrats. Obama and Arnie Duncan and all these other folks I think are destroying their party's own base and capacity to fight back against this horrible, anti-democratic agenda by attacking public education and teachers' unions as they have.

This article previously appeared in Alternet and Portside .

Nancy MacLean is author of Democracy in Chains [1], and the William H. Chafe Professor of History and Public Policy at Duke University and the author of Democracy in Chains. This is an edited transcript.

Jennifer Berkshire is the education editor at AlterNet and the co-host of a biweekly podcast [3] on education in the time of Trump.